CAN NOVEMBER BE DONE YET???????????????

I'm sick of November its been HELL ALL MONTH.

Any of you following me this moth so far can see what a CRAPTACULAR month it has been.

WELL LETS Add to the SAGA.

Saturday. Found out at church that a well known family in our church, their youngest son passed away that morning. He had Ceribral Palsy and was always a happy little guy. (he's was 20. But I remember him at 8) So I was crying away in church when they mentioned that.

Funeral was to take place on Tuesday morning. But with taking 2 days off work last week and then finding out we were short staff again. since we now had 2 staff members who are out of contry for funerals of their grandmothers. (happened 1 week apart. What are the chances) I knew asking that time off was not going to happen. But thats ok. My mom and sister went with Meagan.

Tuesday. FUN FUN Tuesday.

Off to work I go. My client canceled. So I went to another client whos normally a dream. I'm setting up. THings are ok. Mom mentioned he's been up since 4:30 AM and had taken some meds since he's comming down with a cold. FUN. Thats ok I'll play it by ear, and if its not going I'll cancel. WELL, behaviours start with mom when she tries to get him to pee. He hasn't since he woke. So he comes to me screaming.

So I'm letting him take a minute to get it out of his system. The now hes on the floor, thats ok but getting REALLY close to the futton metal frame. Too close for my comfort. SoI get on my knees to move him and the kid bloody kicks me in the abdomen. Little pain from the kick but ok.

45 minutes later cramps start. First mild but they just got worst and worst. So I end session at his break. I leave and call my midwifes. She mentioned just to take warm baths. AND and if the cramping doesn not die down we'll get an ultrasound.

So they start calming down as the afternoon goes bye. So My plan was to get chris and we get meagan and grab me some clothes.

Well we get to my moms, and find out my cat. My cat of 12 years was missing since the night before. MY Asshole of a brother. Went for a smoke and when he came in he didnt check if the screen door closed properly. My mom came in shortly after didnt think much of it. Saw my sisters cat. WHO would leave at any chance, so she never thought of my 12 year old cat who's about4-7 pounds. I'm freaking. Thinking of him freezing to death in the cold night. HOPPING hes in someones garage or someone brought him in.

So off we go looking in the park. The more we walk the more we realize theirs 7 streets agcent to this park. HE COULD BE ANYWHERE. By this point I'm too stressed I dont want to eat. I'm cramping like crazy and all I can think Is I ned to get home to make lost cat posters.

So we did that and bring them to the house. WHen I handed them to my brother. He acted like this was ruining HIS evening plan. I told him for at least now deliver to every complex (their in a 55 unit towncomplex) so they did. BUT I was going to shoot him in the head.

Well I cramped all night. And in the morning I called the midwifes and she told me to rest some more and get an ultrasound.

All was fine with little baby. I actually got to see the left and right hemisphere of its brain. THAT WAS AMAZING. But as I sat in the waiting room for 50 minutes with a sick woman coughing all over me. To which I'm avoiding sick people like the plague as I've taken enough days off already in 3 months.

MAN what a day

So its friday. Off sick from work. Tried to play hookie yesterday but I actually ended up catching something. because a tevery attempt to eat somwthing it was comming right out of me. NO IDEA what or WHERE i caught this bug.

SO resting up today. NOT lookingforward to having Dinner with my brother and his CRAZY ASS girlfriend. BUT WHATEVER.

SO day goes as usual. I figure if we dont hear back frm my bro by 6pm we were going to see HAPPY FEET. SO I come home with my girl from doing some erands at 4. I go to kiss CHris and I get hit with a wall of the motor oil smell on him. He gets pissy at me "well I washed my hands" with my response "its all over you, why cant you just change your clothes." to which BONEHEAD responds with "why are you so sensitive to smells lately. I've been doing the same thing for the last 3 months. WHATS WITH YOU?????"

I stormed off. I'M FREAKING PREGNANT. THATS WHATS WRONG WITH ME. BUT instead of starting a fight over something as little as this I go to bed. Take a nap and get awoken by chris going "I think thers something wrong with the fridge.

I get up YUP its gone caputs. NOw this fridge belonged to his parents when they lived here. So I have never known exactly HOW OLD it is. thats when I find out the bloody thing is 35 freaking years old. HAD I known it was THAT old. Iwould have started saving money long time ago. $20 a pay, we would have money for a fridge. BUT NO, we have nothing now. SO I guess he worked something out with his mom to get a cheaper fridge and she pay for it and it stays with the townhouse when we move.

SO Off we go to pick her up at kipling and to the brick we go. SO they hadf a decent basic fridge on sale for $479. SO we get that. THe man comes over says they can diliver sunday. EXCELLENT. As currently were trying to salvage the forzen meat in our cooler sanwiched between bags of ice. ANd Meagan's homo milk is currently residing in our 12can coke fridge.

So we complete everything and he goes to book the delivery and now its for monday. FINE we need it NOW so I was going to have my sister watch Meagan here. But he said He would check to see if something opened up for sunday he would call us tonight. Well MR HUGH called us back. DElivery on SUNDAY. I'm so excited.

But by the time we drove Chris's mom home and we returned home it was 8:45 ANd CHris went to bed at 9:20 as he ahs to work tomarrow.

GOOD LORD. SO our plan for our Grey Cup Party of pizza and pop will now be changed to pork chops and pop. TO help salvage some of the meat. Because I know their going to thaw out. AND can stay thawed for a day. But I cant re-freeze them after. SO Chris and Meagan are going to have Salmon for dinner tomarrow and this way we are not waisting that much money by throwing the food out. BUT That just means were going to have to do a COstco run this week when I get paid.

MY OH MY

HOW does time go by. SO now into week 14. I STILL cant eat pork chops or ground beef. I musterd $20 to buy zoodles and mini ravioli for lunch this week as all last week I had fast food and I quickly became broke.

AND LAST WEEK. WOW.

We finally got to seeing Meagan's Cardioligist on HAlloween. HE wants proof that these episodes are NOT related to her heart. SO he ordered a requisition for A loop moniter. ITs a long shot as these episodes are so irriegular in frequency. BUT if by chance she has one it will moniter her heart actions. SO got this little ipod looking machine last friday. AND its going to be on for another week. I got scared when I called to book the appointment. Because the machine she had on in April was MASIVE for a 7 month old. I could not see my VERY MOBILE running girl strapped down for 2 weeks with a thing that weights 1/2 her body weight. BUT THANKFULLY its not. Many people at church commented of 'oh how cute her own ipod" which is nice because I can then I later told them its a heart moniter. BUT people can think I'm ruining my daughters ears and just a cool mom for buying her 14 month old an ipod.

THen ON wednesday I had more bleeding. ENOUGH BRIGHT RED BLOOD to 1/2 soak the toilet paper first thing in the morning. SO I freak. CAll the midwifes. She calls me back in 2 minutes. She told me to get my but to an ultrasound. and 'DONT GET YOUR HOPES UP" THANKS so the first appointment I could get was at 11:30. I immediatly called CHRIS. Because I was a wreck already. When I called my program director to inform her I was not comming in I broke down and cried. I Needed him. Hes the buest guy ever. EVEN thought I knew hes only a 15 minute walk I told him finish what he needed to do because I would not get an appointment any earlier than 9am. (it was 7:45 at time) He was home in 5 minute. OUT OF BREATH, but home. WE sat on the stairs and got my cry out.

SO all moning I tried to drink my fluid and yet keep going to bathroom to check if I was still bleeding. To which I was but it was slowing down. WE go off to the hospital for the ultrasound and the technitian was supper nice. Immediatly saying she was getting a heart beat and everything looked fine. BUT man are their machines crappy. I was not quite 13 weeks and shes showing the screen going "there do you see the heartbeat?" Um no but I take your work for it.

I remeber at the fertility clinic how clear their picture quality was at 7 weeks you could see the definition of the fetus and the little flash in the middle.

SO were off to the midwifes on MOnday. Hopefully we'll get to hear the heartbeat. CHris is egarly anticipating the ultrasound in what4-8 weeks. HE still wants to find out the sex of baby. ME I'm not too sure IF I do.

So we went to the Midwifes

That was good. Because until last friday NEVER thought of Twins. We desperatly wanted twins first time around and had so many ultrasounds with the fertility clinic that I was upset the first time they mentioned no twins.

But That thought never came into my head until Friday. So while we were there they tried to hear the heartbeat. But at just past 10 weeks was a no go. But my midwife mentioned that if there were twins my uterus would be larger than it was (not yet past pubic bone)

I'm still having a hell of a time with this nausia. It just wont GO AWAY. I was so looking forward to my dinner of pasta this evening and had a 1/4 of my meal and STILL not feeling well from it.

GOD I HOPE IT PASSES AFTER 12 WEEKS. If not I'm definitly getting a perscription at my next visit

NOT AGAIN

SO Meagan had another episode this morning.

I was letting her sleep in as I knew my sister worked until 1am yesterday(this morning) So I was sitting here on the computer just before 8am. Meagan cried as per normal to say "mommy I'm up" so I go in and get her out of the crib. SHe then proceded to fall right back asleep on me. NO biggy I wasnt quite done on the computer.

Then she started get really sticky and clamy. NO FREAKING I said to myself. Check her out, pulse seemed good but she would not wake. Kept feeling her up getting really cold now, looking pale and yellowish and deffinitly CLamy. Trying to wake her softly, then rubbing her back, and saying her name louder. Took 5 minutes to get her awake.

So go to change her diaper and shes going back to sleep on change table. Trying everything to keep her awake and focused. Even when she was finally awake and letting me dress her. She was not standing on her own. Moreso hunched on me for support. Took a good 20 minutes until she was herself again.

So I called that specialist, Since we have an appointment October 31 wondering if theres any way we can get in sooner. SHe told me she was going to relay this info to the doc and she'll get back to me in the next few days. She suggested in the mean tome to see our family doctor.

So didnt get an appointment for today but will be seeing him first thing at 10am tomarrow. This is not right, it should not be happening and I want a resolution for this and not 'well the heart ultrasound we did came back normal.' Cuz I'm sorry but this IS NOT NORMAL.......

All I want is an answer to why my daughter is like this.

ITS SO DIFFERENT

ok being pregant this time around is KILLER.

2 weeks ago we were at a work function and I had some chicken ceaser salad for lunch HELLMINS DRESSING. Well that just About turned my stomach upside down.

So for the next 2 day I had the hardest time finding food that would not make me nausiated.

It still continues I can no longer stand Chicken, hotdogs, Kelbasa :-( and right now crackers. Oh and my ham sandwich was not the greatest for lunch.

SO for the second night in a row I'm eating Perogies for dinner. Even the other night with pasta I could only eat 1/2 of it.

Now before people start on the "well it must be a boy, sphiel" I dont want to hear it. All I want is to not be so tired all the time and let me eat.

WHAT A WEEK

SO meagan turned 1 this week. ANd Had a huge Party with my In'laws and my mother.
There were streamers, ballons
ANd found out were PREGNANT
DIdnt think it would happen this quickly. IT took a year to concieve Meagan and that was WITH Fertility Medication.

We were think well, MEagans 1 now. Try for a year, if not get to the fertility Clinic, and by the time Meagan is around 3, she would have a baby brother or sister.

This has changed our plans, but little will need to be bought. EXCEPT a dreaded DOUBLE STROLLER.

OK I pledge to be here more

Can I say when I normally come here to post, Isusally make my way to my website that tracks my visits.

It is so cool that there is someone visiting my site EVERYDAY. Usually some of the girls from the one website I frequent. (which the www. page is still a secret to everyone I know, Why dont know, guilty preasure I guess) or those girls linking from their own blog page.

Whats even more interesting is people going google serches and my page comes up. THere was one person who serched about daughters and found me on page 42. Sorry but if I'm doing a google serch and what I want is not on first 5 MAYBE 10 pages I'm making my request a little more specific.

sometimes its nice to see when your having a bad day and feeling blue, (as I am today) its nice to know that there are people out there that care to see whats new in my life.

SUMMER

So its been close to 2 months since I've been here. Summer is always a busy time, for myself. ANd SUre for everyone else.

I've been enjoying my guilty pleasure of Big Brother. GO JAMES GO.

Just came back from a 6 day trip to montreal, never again visiting with family who I have not seen in 12 years.

Getting myself ready to return to work in 2 1/2 weeks. WAs trully stressing over the fact in NOvember when Meagan was 3 months old. But I guess a .03 cent increase to our mileage and a $1.50 raise is making me look forward to returning to work.

Meagan's taking 1-2 steps on her own for the last 2 weeks. She's gonna be running around. Just cant wait until these teeth come thru. SHe was super cranky for at least 2 weeks befor ethe first tooth came out, now its been 1 1/2 weeks since then and the second top tooth is nowhere to be seen of comming out. I was certain it would have been out by now, but until then its going to be nights of sleeping with her in our bed, or on the couch. and her beating me in her sleep.

Last night she fell asleep at 9, and at 1:30 she was wide awake. She faught with me until 2:45 in ed, then downstairs we went. SHe did not want to sit, lay down, crawl, walk, read, play, watch tv. Faught till 4:30, at that time I was exhausted, went to put her in her crib. thnink if maybe she layed down she would sleep.

Well chris was up, so he took her down. I went back down because even if I slept for 1 1/2 hours before he left for work I would NOT be a pretty preson. Well who would of thunk it, but she sat like a little angel in daddys arms while watching Blast from the past. AAAHHHHH

With the loom of September, so much is happening. I'm returning to work. MEagan is turning one. ANd one ig one, one of my closest friends is going to Australia for a work/school program.

She's going to be gone for 1 year. Its great shes going, because now that shes 25 theres not too many years as she puts it where she can just up and leave for a year. I know its going to be the greatest experience in her life. But I'm sure gonna miss her.

Good LORD ITS BEEN A WHILE

SO I just came her to see its been almost 2 months since my last post. I feel bad to all those who cheak me out and see no change.

So what has happened in my life since????? well its most probably going to concern my baby girl who this week turned 9 months. OH I have little over 2 months before returning to work, *sniff*sniff*

Not much was happeneing with her for a while. Finally some time after my last post around 7 1/2 months she learned to roll over, but not continuously. She still got better and better at her walking, with us supporting her arms of course. Then it seemed all happened in 2 weeks, May 25th, took 1 step towards me not holding onto anything. I was so happy CHris was there to witness it.

On Mothers day we finally saw the beginings of teeth on her bottom gums. Took almost 2 weeks and May 29th one poped and June 2nd the other came thru. Then last week on June 7th, she crawled. I was so happy, but now she crawls over to the gate keeping her in the living room, stand up and shake the cage like an inmate "let me out let me out LET ME OUT!!!" Its kinda cute.

I'm getting myself ready for my girlfirends B-day next weekend. ITS SO GONNA KICK MAJOR ASS. BBQ, and Drinking and swiming and smoking, oh I cant wait.

As much as I know this summers gonna pass in a second, I'm looking forward to my Trip To montreal in August before having to return to work.

BUt as each day passes, I get sad knowing I'll be leaving my girl. I know EVERY mother feels this way, but I'm happy my sister will be the one watching her. My only issue is how will I survive. RIght now Meagan falls asleep somewhere between 9-10 and I dont get to sleep until 2-3. SO we spend most the morning napping away, Her choice not mine. (but I'm not going to complain)

For me to get to work by 9, I'd have to leave my sisters around 8:30. TO get to my sisters we'd leave our house at 8 to get there unpack and away we go. I would need to be getting up aroud 6:30-7 the latest. Me the girl who would roll out of bed normally at 8 am, when will I get things done. UNtil Meagan turns 1, I'll have to pick her up as the carseat does not fit rearfacing in CHris's car, so for 3 weeks when I finish at 4:30, I'd treck across the city to get her, at least Chris can start making dinners on a regular basis.

so theres my rant. or complain, I hope to get here more often to update my life, but life has been too busy. Back to laundry I go

I'm losing it

I'm so freaking happy.

I had my fitness evaluation this past monday. Wanted to see how the last 4 months with my trainer has improved me. AS I know my jeans no longer fit. And I'm having to wash them each day just about to keep them tight on my ass.

So far I've lost 8 inches in total.
1 in chest
2 in waist
2 in hips
2 in thighs
1 in bicep relaxed.
I've also gained 1/2 inch in bicep flexed.

I've also losed 6% body fat and gained 3 lbs in water weight. Which they wanted me to


I'm so proud of myself. I know the results could be much better if I actually made it to the gym an other 4 times other than my training sessions. and if I stuck to the eating regimin as they want. But I'm happy so far.

My weight was a different story. THey first weighed me pre xmas, when I gained close to 15 pounds. and weighed me day after 3 easter dinners and pre period bloating.

By their caculations I was up 5 pounds, But I know for a fact its close to 15 pounds lose with my trainer.

So yippy for me. I'm so excited.
I'm this much closer to my goal. once I get there. This will be what I'm getting done. What I want is a Jessica Rabbit tatoo. TO represent the sexy redhead I am. AND I finally found a picture online of what I want. with the quote "I'm not Bad...... Just drawn that way" written above and below Jessica.

Just cant quite decide on the pic. WOuld love the first one. But whatever looks best on my arm.

OH gotta love Easter with the inlaws.

First my first rant for yesterday is towards my husband.

I know its not his fault for being a heavy sleeper. But if Meagan and I can play all over him for 10 minutes and not have hime move an inch. YEAH hes a heavy sleeper. So the plan was to go to 9am mass as he was working at the movie theater from 11-5. (thats an other rant. Only man with wife and child and HE has to work easter sunday where the other teenages will not take his shift)

So chris knew we were to leave at 8:20 to be at church for 8:30 get in when 7:30 mass gets out to get good seats up front. Well the bastard never woke up. I did not wake him as I had meagan all cranky and still not herself from thursday.

So off I go to HIS grandmothers Easter dinner that starts at 3pm. YES DINNER AT 3!!!!! All alone and with his sister. His father and uncle are there. Not sure in what state of drunkeness Grandma will be in.

So we sit and heres the first thing His father did not like comming out of my mouth. He mentioned his ex-girlfriends , son's ex-girlfriend (who is the mother of his child) was taking their child easter egg hunting. ANd oh how great it will be for Meagan to go next year.
ME: NOPE, not doing that.

The shock and horror on his face "well, well why?"

(please to those who do not see it my way not meaning to flame you, this is just my beliefs)
Me: Nope easter is about going to chuch, celebrating the death of christ. And spending it with family. No easter egg hunts, no gifts, just the occasional chocholate

well HE was S NOT IMPRESSED.

then as tim passes he asked if she was crawling yet, as said above ex-girlfriends son's daughter was crawling at 7 months. Bullshit i say.

ME: nope, not yet. and dont think she will as she will walk assited now and stll does not like tummy time.

SO as conversation goes. Grandma mentions how she was a sport widow during the summer months. That grandpa used to play baseball, coach baseball, play tennis, lawn bowling and she never saw him. Then chris's dad says "well I'm no different I used to play 3 basebal leagues. Tounements all the time but stil did go by kids (in his dreams)" So It took all of me not to say 'well and thats why your daughter hates you and your son would rather look thru foggy googles than to trully hate his father.'

This was after I mentioned that chris is quiting his part tim job at the movie theater,His dad "well why would he do that, thougth he liked the job and money?"
Me: "he works 4 shifts there now as is and going to be playing 1 night a week at baseball. He wants to put his family before job and its his decission


Then towards 4:45 I mentioned to grandma we will be leaving at 5:30 as i want to spend the evening with Chris.

Meagan fell asleep at 5:15 just as tea was ready. so I lay her down on the love seat thats 2 feet wide. not a problem as she barely moves during her sleep except to shake her head no. I go to get a cup of tea. so grandma goes "A(father in law) come sit with us, dont be an outcast."
As he looks natly at me he says "well A(sister in law) knows WHY i'm not comming to sit down." she then says "why? because of meagan?" then I get evil look god knows now.

He did not trust my judgement that I know my 7 month old NOT TO MOVE WHILE SHE SLEEPS. and he sat on another seat at the foot of the loveseat for 30 minutes as she slept.

So I'm a horrible mother in his eyes, because its been since christmas he's seen her and NOT ONCE CALLED TO ARRANGE A VISIT.

this just makes me hate him even more.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update on Meagan

****Can I make alittle disclaimer: I have NO IDEA where my ramblingings were going in my last Blog. Just looked back and I trailed off at the end. MAybe I was tired, maybe I was insane, whatever I have a baby. THATS MY EXCUSE :-0****

SO we met Dr Jackass last week. AND he was not a jackass.

Her ECG was abnormal and he heard a heart murmer. So off we go to verify these are in tehir normal ranges.

Fast fowrward to today......................................................

SO today was one of the big days. WARNING LONG

Off to the hospital we go. SO I got NO SLEEP. Tummy not feeling well from last night (think it was the mozzarella sticks and chips and dip I had for dinner ECSTATIC )

SO meagan woke at 2:45. Ate and we were back asleep at 3:30 am. SO I got all of 3 hours sleep.

All was going well. Appointment was for 12:45 (remeber this It will come up later) So fed her at 9am so she could get enought and take her time to eat.

She finishes in 10 minutes. She was starting to fall asleep, so I put her in her excersaucer. THen I needed to pee, so Off I go. TO come back to a baby asleep in her excersaucer. I know I know I should have taken a picture Doh!

SO I try everything I can to wake her. nothing working so I figure an 30 minute nap aint gonna kill her. Really do they expect a 7 month old to stay awake for a minimum 6 1/2 hours? NO!

SO I join in this nap. Alarm goes off and try to wake her NOTHING. Even lifting her eyelids and shes rolling them back, down or off to the side to not look at me.

SO she ends up sleeping for 1 hour 20 minutes. THats ok, still have pleanty of time till 1pm.

So we leave a little early so I can arrive at the hospital 15 minutes early to fill in paper work.

Get there go down the hallway. Now when we first registered. I saw on her sheet 1:30 by our name. Must be wrong RIGHT. Didnt mention anything.

SO 1pm comes along and they let this older gentleman in before us Confused Confused Confused Confused

Now meagan has not eaten in 4 hours and getting tired and hungry. My sister goes and hunts a nurse down, who was surprised of Meagans wait on food??

She comes and takes our info for paper work. I ask how long its gonna be as shes starving and need to feed her. "oh you dont feed her until after the exam"
"EXCUSE ME. NO the doc's reception note says I can feed her after the sedation."
"oh, well no the sedation may make her vomit if she eats after. We usually give water to make sure they can swallow"
"uh no, I dont give her water."
"well you cant give her formula, unless you Breastfeed. But only half a feed"

Here I'm thinking to myself Meagan will not accept a half feed. Whatever. If Meagan wants a full feed she'll get it.

SO they dont take me into the room till 1:45 (almost 5 hours since last feed and 3 1/2 hours since she woke up) Do all the blood preasure and tempurature.

So we have the option of oral or rectal dosage. If dont orally its a bitter taste and usually can only give 1/2 dose. If she is not expected to 'VOID' anytime soon we can give rectally.

So I opt for rectal as we had a poop this am, and less evasive. (sp?)
mentions how she would be feeling dizzy kinda drunkish. so its a different feeling for baby so calm her and get her to sleep the best I can with avoiding feeding at all cost. But can if nothing works in 30 minutes. usually takes 10-30 minutes.

SHe conks out in 1 minute. Not due to drugs but on her

SO there doing the tests, first technician was super niice and was doing her job great, she had most her stuf done in 35 minutes (where she said 45) and Doc was on his way. NOPE later find out this old woman ( i mean old at least 50) sits down and starts doing stuff. To which minutes ago she was asking the first tech why she was not doing this or that. To which her responce was "were not doing that"

NOw old woman takes 30 minutes and then tells me shes in TRAINING.

THen doc stolls in. Tells me pics look good so far, nothing seems to be the matter. But basically does everything over these two woman did for last hour. THen at 1 hour 38 minutes he asks "how long are her afternoon naps usally"
"30 minutes" as he jerks her a bit too fast and wakes her. NOw hes trying to get a test of her blood preasure and need to a) keep her still b) would prefer everyone to basically shut up (not exact words)

After trying to get the blood pressure for 5 minutes he gives up.

SO theres our day.

In 2 weeks were going in for 24 heart moniter test. but things are good.

My only worry was watching the first tech measure all the little "holes" blips and bloops. All that was running thru my head was I did this to my baby as I never could take my prenatal vitamins regularly. Hell If I remembered once a week was good. (i'm not a pill popper)

But so far baby good. Sleeping most evening but right now my only concern was at church she started to kinda sqeel but could not get it out. Sounded very raspy like she was weezing. of couse she was going it before mass started while all quiet and did it a few times in a row that just about the whole congrigation I could hear them turn to our direction as it sounded like she could not breath. But she was just trying to laugh.

Will keep an eye out for that tomarrow if it gets worst I'll be calling telehealth. But not sure why shes doing it as drugs given rectally so nothing would later irritate her throught.

So if your still here I wish to thank my BITCH AGAIN, as when we returned home there was a package and she mentioned she was thinking of us today. Really needed it.

Oh irritating people

SO a litle break down. THe other day apparently I never signed out of MSN messenger. SO at 10 pm when WE brought Meagan up to bed, There was a message from Chris's god mother. WOW shes talking to me. (she was pissed never invited to Meagan's baptism, but shes part of Chris's life not Meagan's )

SO she was asking when I was comming down to cambridge (like 1 hour drive on 401) Mentioned how will check with chris about next sunday. So I was mentioning How excited I was. I vacumed the stairs up to the bedroom. THey had not been vacumed for at least 7 months and covered in cat hair.

Then I mentioned how it was a baby step in the mountain of things that need to be done here. Then she goes on I should have a sign "if you make the mess, you clean it up" I said thats fine and dandy but when most of the mess is mine, Donr have time in my Day with Meagan to do it.

She was appaled. How could I be at home for a year and NOT have the time to keep my house in tip top shape?? I mentioned that my days are spent with Meagan. She only takes 30 minute naps, and I normally enjoy a nap with her. If not I take a piss, a shower or something. I barely can make food, eat it and clean the plates its on. And with chris workin 4 nights a week, dishes have not been done.

"well just leave Meaga alone, she needs to learn how to entertain herself" well yeah I do let her be, but after 10 minutes she no longer wants to be in exerscaucer, then 5 minutes later no longer wants to be in her swing. Her attention span is so short, I'm constantly entertaining her.

THen she goes off how I should basically leave her in a playpen and go about my day. UM HELL NO. I was sooo pissed off. I had a child to enrich my life, not to make my status as a woman better. I would rather interact with my daughter than have a clean houes.

So Tuesday morning I was still fuming over this. AND my Chiropractor noticed my tension. I had mentioned this and he, who makes ton of money (his wife is also a chriopractor, They both do work in this office) said "dont worry, our house is just the same, Its a completly differrent gereation. We know that interacting with childern are so much more important that the cleanliness of our house holds."

Then makes me think, I didnt turn out so bad, But then again I dont think My mother was ever like that. Back then they got 6 weeks mat leave, and I remember having a nanny when we lived in Thunder Bay.

But then again explains her son. Who is shy, quiet and reserved, more into his video games and computer games like his father. I could just see no conversations. Hell she complains that her husband lives in the basement and barely speaks with him on a daily basis.

I think if your in a marriage like that whats the point. Marriage is to enrich your life.

Someone on one of my sites asked how do you know he's the one???????

My response was you know hes the one when you cant live with him, but still cant live without him. Chris has some annoying habits and on bad days just throws me over the edge. But in the end I only could tollereate them from him, but no one else.
That you share some interests and are willing to do what he likes/ she likes, even if it does not completly float your boat.
YOu can share silence and not get wigged out (ie the car commercial)
You can let the other go out without you. (I go to clubs, he goes bowling) still having things you do that you enjoy. ANd not get super jealous if their at the club

Its taken me many years to realize these points. Before It yous to be you know he's the one because you love him. But really then you need to define What is love to you. MAny people have asked me this since we got together so young and were married young. other questions were like "how do you know he's the one, if hes the ONLY relationship you've had?" I could not bear being apart from him. Thats why.

WOW been a while

man is life getting ever so busy.

Trying to manage my time and the things Meagan has to do, thankfully were off from swimming for the next 2 weeks.

She is getting so big, now. Here she is last week for St. Patrick's DAy. All dressed in green with Daddy.

I'm still dreading going back to work soon. WHat will I do. Thankfully my sister said She'll watch her, but I could not leave her in a daycare. It would cost $1000 a month. Are you kidding me?????

Bt knowing shes with my sister is good.

My two best friends are in COsta Rica at the moment. and Wish I was with them, yesterday they took a canopy tour of the Rain Forest. How cool would THAT BE?????

My sister, the flirt

SO I just called my sister to confirm our date tomarrow to go to the movies. She had gone down town Toronto for the St. Patrick's Day Parade.

She was expected home earlier and wanted to sewe Meagan before we left. well she was not home ast 7:30 so we left.

Where is she, at a fire Hall in Toronto. This fire hall apprently was in the Parade, and well her frien9d works there.

SHe got the whole hall of ment to say hello to me. :-) She seems to know someone EVERYWHERE IN TORONTO.

My kitties caught a mouse.

So yesterday I come home from my long day of activites with Meagan.

Nothing too big, Abby our dog meets us at the top of the stairs, as we get Meagan out of her car seat. THen thats when I had the first incaling something was up.

Next thing I hear, meow, meow meow meooooow. Trying to figure out whats up. I call to Sprinkles and Tigger. Ususally if their meowing its cuz their excited to see were home and letting me know their on their way to great us. Minute passes, 2 minute passes, NO cats. BUT their still meowing.

Well I go to check it out as previously they have gotten into cabinets and cant get out. NOPE here are both my cats in the bathroom huddled over my Weight watchers scale (which has a glass part) and sprinkles has his arm under it.

NOW the strange part of all of this is USUALLY sprinkles and Tigger rarly are civil with each other. Until I look a little closer. NOPE theres a mouse under the scale. Here I'm thinking its hiding out where the cats cant get him. So I usher the cats out so I cat bag this mouse.

now the best part was after I ushered the cats out and went to put my rubber gloves on my himilayian tigger has got his paw under the door as he meows and scrates away at the air under the door. ANd if any of you know Tigger, he's too priccy for that.

SO of course the mouse was dead. Figued it mustered enough energy after sprinkles took him in there to crall under the scale to die in peace.

Back in November our neighbours in our townhouse mentioned they had a ton of mice in their house and wondered if we had any. We had mentioned not this year but about 2 1/2 years ago when we brought Sprinkles in after the wedding He did catch a mouse for the first time. He has kept perch in our kitchen stairing at the base boards for the lucky mouse to cross into our house.

SO he was estatic after catching this one. MAN I love my kitty cats. :-)

My daughter has perfect timming

So last night I was up late. Meagan spat up on Chris's work pants. So i was washing his pants as he leaves for work at 6:30 am.

So I caught myself up on Hitched and my emails. Had been so busy Had not gotten on the computer for 4 days.

So ok, thats fine. I FINALLY crall into bed at 3am. and promptly at 3:05 Am Meagan wakes and is HUngry and wants to play. Yesterday I should have known something might be up as she was eating every 2 hours. SO we feed at 3am, 5am, 7 am and 9am. Im exausted now.

Thank GOd wednesdays are our relaxing days, except I had hoped to get to church for ash wednesday service at 9:30. Yeah that was not happening.

SO our day was kind of off. Took my sister to an earlier train. OUr regular program watching (oprah @4pm and Dr. Phil @5pm) was switched on wed as we like watching Montel Williams and Sylvia Browne @4. SO it was Dr. Phil, Montel, and then oprah.

WE had dinner early. SHe was good enought for me to eat at a decent time 6pm. So she had her carrots and apple sauce. WHen we realized our there was not much to do. Took a bath together at 6:30.

Just after 7pm when we got out and changed we napped. from about 7:15- 8:30 for me, SHe slept till 9.

Watched the end of Americal Idol and then 13 going on 30. Then she fell back asleep at 11:30.

Im certain now she's going to wake any minute now. BUt had 2 cans of coke at 10pm, as I had the WORST sweet craving and tried everything in my power NOT to get coke (as its one of the things I've given up for lent) had cookies, popcicles, kool aid. BUt nothing worked. so now as its shortly passed 2am I should be getting my ass to bed, in case Meagan wakes again at 3am.

But how does she always know when I stay up late on the computer, she ALWAYS wakes within 15 minutes of me going to bed. wether it be at 2am or 5am??? SHe must have a moniter on Me. HA

Solid Food Adventure

So about 2 weeks ago we started Solids with Meagan. SHe was so interested in food and even taking my plate away from me.

So we started on the Rice cereal packages we got free in the mail (nestle) And BOY did she enjoy. So I thought I could transition into Life brand or Heinz Rice cereal as the Nestle is $3.79 a box. Nope SHe wont have that. Just today I realized the Nestle is a powder where the others liike like fish food flakes. So I'll be trying to do a half and half mix as I do not want to throw 2 full boxes in the garbage.

So also on friday I went to Zellers and got 80 cans of baby food on sale. SO we started on Apple and rasberry. well this is what she looks like after her first feeding.


Boy did she love it. SHe would grab onto the spoon and hold on forever.

Then we tried Peas. She was not too thrilled about it at first but today on her third feeding of it. Only got 3 ugly faces over it. Oh I cant wait for her to get into eating more solids. I remember my favorite picture My parents took of me was when I went to my first strawberry partch, and my face is all covered in strawberry stains. I was probably around 16 months old at the time. ANd apparently when the farmers appoached me later if I ate any, I completly denied it with the straightest face. HA

Oh the adventures to come.

ok well I've cooled off a bit since last week. Still fuming over the fact I need to pay this money on monday, but what can you do. My mom and I have a running Joke. It seams to us that each time a little money comes our way, we get screwed. Call it will of God, or sheer dumb luck. Instead of lowing credit card Debt. GOing out for a nice dinner (to which sometimes only happens every few months in the past) SOme shit happens.

We joke the minute we get a lot of money. Like winning the lottery or hell geting Chris's late UNcles portion of his life insurance(good chunck of change apparently) no shit like this is gonna happen because by then whats the point, we have enought to share a little dent will not deviate from our plan.

So I'm here sitting in my messy computer room. (to which I had planned cleaning out and orginize it oh back on January) and found some cards Chris wrote to me before Meagan was born. they are the most wonderful things ever. AND I always keep them close so for times like this week, I can look at them and remember one thing I love about him, and just keep listing them off. So any anger or resentment I might of had is gone out the window. I broke down (yet again) this week. I knew having a child would be hard, and things were great until his shifts at work switched. I hate him working till 8pm. I hate it. AND until they hire a new person to replace him once He moves departments, he's stuck at it. Then he got his part time job at nights and has been training 3 times a week at nights there. THis past week was 4. THankfully this week hes only there twice.

Being alone ALL the time, is hard on the brain. I give all my support to the stay at home moms. No adult interaction Is driving me crazy. Yes we go swiming with OTHER moms, and mother goose nursery Rhymes with OTHER mothers. But all anyone talks about is their children, and feeding this and baby that. DRIVES ME NUTS. ANd I find myself in the same cycle. I see my friends and all I can seem to talk about is Meagan. ANd if its not about her, I have not much to say. because I dont get out. Hell I dont even have time to read the newspaper when I get it each week. I'm usually 2 weeks behind in the news.

I do not want to become one of these moms who can brag about their child. I'm already falling into the compition world of "oh well SHE DID this then" and feeling a be behind as a little boy 5 days younger than her is rolling up a storm on his crib and holding onto his feet all the time. AND he's been doing that for 3 weeks now.

I've started back reading but not the regular books, I've picked up a newer book of Sylvia Browne. and have made a list of other books I would like of hers. But I'm definitly not going to sit down and have a conversation of How she has seen how the Pyramids were build and other stuff like that.

Well I beter go, before I start to brag about Meagan. I'm sure theres better things I should be doing, like dishes or sleeping, or watching a movie that started 30 minutes ago.

Have a great day everyone

GOD DAMB MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

So let me tell you the SHIT i've had to deal with since Wednesday. On wednesday I recieved a a notice from collections. In the form of monies owing to True Body Fitness.
I called collections to see whats going on, mentioned to my knowledge this accout was done and closed 15 months ago.

Heres a little History.......

Back in November 2003, after my car accedent my doctor said was ok to get back in the gym, and my insurance company was willing to pay for 1 year. SO I signed up with Planet workout, that eventually changed names under new managment to True Body Fitness. THe place was ok for the $25 a month payments. THen they cut space first the y lost the cardio room and turn the old arobic room to cardio. THe "woman's area" was a 9x13 foot room with at one time around 10 machines, then one day 3 machines were no longer in the womans area.
They had a sauna, which they used the wrong type of wood for the bench so it smelt like mould all the time and their was a slimy film on the bench. ANd well the "hot tub" was never hot the highest I ever saw it at was 85.

SO in september 2004 just a few months before the manditory 1 year minimum membership was over, I signed up to International Family Fitness. More expensive, But I had been a member before and the insurance company was not willing to pay $40 a month.

SO on October 22nd, I brought in a letter stating How I wish to cancel my memb4rship on the 1 year aniversary, as I was dissatisfied with the facilities, and their were rumors that the actual place was going bankrupt. (to which a few months later they closed doors)

SO to me all was done and over with, until wednesday. Well aparently 15 months later they send my file to collections on monday, I recieve it wednesday and for it not to affect my credit rating I needed to pay $434.26 by today.

SO I called collections on Wednesday trying to explain this, she mentioned that I should try to contact the head office. Since the DUMB FUCK SECRETARY, ATE MY CANCELATION LETTER. Leave message wed at 11:30. Leave the house for 4 hours, thinking I missed her call, well nope so I call back at 4:15, hoping to get this woman before the end of her day. Mention that I'm in and out of the house on Thursday, but gave her my cell number.

But noon on thursday, nothing so I called back, spoke with reception if there was an "actual person" in the building I could spoeack with as I need this cleared by Friday.
She sends my call to same woman at extention 239. ok fine, I'm sure she'll get back to me. By 3pm nothing, call back let secretary understand the Urgancy of this call, and woman at 239 was out but the minute she walked in she would pass my name and number personally to her.

NO call. When I get home theres a message from some lady that was left at 3:05pm. To call her back. Now here I thought it was woman at extention 239. So left a message at 7pm, stating sorry for missing your call, but I was expecting you to call my cell, I'll call you back in the morning.

SO I call her back just befor I go to my dentist appointment. ITS NOT woman at extension 239, its the collections lady. She mentioned that the company wanted nothing to do with me, and they wanted her to go ahed and process the account. I'M FUMING. Trying to talk with this woman what my options were. Could I take them to small claims court? No because the copy of my letter could not be proof as I could have drafted it yesterday. The other membership, means nothing as some people have 2 memberships at differnt gyms to meet their workout needs.

THen I asked then how, when I was a memeber there were 2 months when my credit card was maxed and the monthly payment did not go thru, so I would get a letter in the mail and g and pay it off. WHY THE FUCK IN THE LAST 15 MONTHS DID I NOT RECIEVE ANOTHER FUCKING LETTER????? She could not answer that, and I will never get a responce to that as THEY WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! FUCKERS!

SO now my bonus I'm expecting from work next week that was going to cover my licence renewal and plate stickers. and taking my dog to the vet for shots and her eye looked at, as its been red and itching her for 2 months now and shes got some discharge now.

But no, my dog has to wait till bum fuck WHO KNOWS, to get to the vet. As I now have to pay this. She mentioned she hated getting gym membership clients like this, because usally its the gyms fuckup and hates doing this, apparentlyPrimier Fitness is the worst at this.


SO after I called back woman at extention 239, left her a nasty message. along the lines of its completly UNPROFESSIONAL NOT TO CALL SOMEONE BACK after I've been trying to contact you for 2 days. and to go and make a call back to the collection agency that YOU WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I would also like to let you know I'll be reporting all of this to the better Business Beaureau and have a MERRY FUCKING DAY

ok so I might be a little out of the loop, or maybe many people believe in my same views. I was watching my tape of Dr. Phil from yesterday with the BRIDZILLA'S. The one girl started crying as Mommy had to have her way.

My thought is this. IF YOUR PARENTS ARE PAYING FOR ALL OR A GOOD CHUNK, they have the right to say yes or no on a few things. ITS THEIR FLIPPIN MONEY. This girl was whining and crying as her mom wanted this and that. Yes some of the things mom wanted were not important. but THe daughter trippled the guest list.

WHen Chris and I got married, we aproached all our parents and asked how much they could contribute. WE planned to pay for most but wanted to see what our parents were willing to help us with. If they all said no nothing, that would have been fine.

My parents offered to pay for the reception. When they said that I was looking at a wedding of 75 at NO MORE THAN $100 a preson. IN the end found the most beautifulest place (Atlantis Pavillion @ ONtario PLace) but before signing and making deposit, my parents knew that it was a tad more expencive. THen as time went on, my father was adding more and more people to the list. Each time I had to make sure HE KNEW that moe people invited could mean more people ATTENDING. THerefore its HIS MONEY.

BUT if we were paying for the whole wedding our self I would not have invited more people I do not know to the wedding. I'm not feeding someone who is an aunts husbands brothers and wifes child??? I'd be paying for close friends and family.

Then I look back and think WAS I A BRIDZILLA?????? and hopefully most of my friends and family would disagree with that. My only thing was I did not deligate many things for others to do, but that was because I knew where to got to get cheep candles, and champange flutes. ANd when wrapping our take home gift, I would have much rather been pissed off at myself when the wraper was too short to go around than to be bitching at friends for not doing it right. PLUS it too a very long time to get those done. Hell I was still wrapping them 5 minutes before we had to deliver tehm to the hall

So heres more rambling and have no idea what my point is? But just enjoy the day, and DONT TURN INTO BITCHES.

Oh how exhausted I am.

Its been super crazy with Meagan the last few days even with a few meltdowns. I must say, when I have my meltdowns, makes me fall in love with Chris even more.

Since oh Thursday, Meagan has been eating Every hour, and only taking an ounce or two at a time. DRIVING ME CRAZY. It's literally been eat, play, eat, sleep, eat, play, eat, sleep, eat, play, and so on and so on.

Bed time has been getting later and later each passing night, first 11pm, then 1115, then 12, then 12:30.

So Saturday, was fighting it out. Not only are we STILL eating ever hour, I need for my sanity to get her sleeping again. Took 2 hours. lay her down, let her cry it out 5 minutes, go giver her kiss, and remind her I lover her. Wait 10 minutes, then 15 and so on. She finally put herself to sleep after crying 30 minutes at 2 am. I would check if she was hungry and refuse me and bottle each time.

I felt hopeless and lonely and going stir crazy just trying to get my ass to the gym to work out. Couldn't. Not once since Friday did I make it, and that drove me crazier as, I know and weight loss is going out the window since I can not make it to exercise.

SO Saturday at church we realized Meagan's gums were getting really soft, so ok now an explanation she's really teething away.

I think my meltdowns were a combination of no sleep, little resentment that Chris is working and me left ALL ALONE to take care with her, especially when she stresses me out. I'm more stressed as I'm finding it a hard time keeping up my milk supply right now, and I thought that was the initially eating every hour, as I can only really pump out 1 1/2 ounces after 3 hours of her not touching me. When 2 months ago, going 3 hours I could pump 5 ounces. I hate giving her a bottle of formula.

I feel so crappy, we first was using the formula, as She was going throught her third month growth spurt and and I could not keep up in milk. ANd then as I was starting back to the gym and she would be with the babysitters there, it was a lot easier to give them a bottle of sterile water and a bottle of powder, for them to mix than to have breastmilk at room temperature and not sure if she was going to take it. Because I'm not wasting liquid gold breastmilk.

Even today when Chris came home for lunch at 2:30 I was just sitting down to have lunch, as it was in the eat, play routine of Meagan's day. I'm all out of wack.

But to hear her giggle, changes my mood all around. Man I'm not looking forward to seeing my trainer tonight

SO we got a date.

GOt a call from the Nurse at my doctors office today and Meagan will be meating Dr JAck ass in 2 months APRIL 5th. I'm keeping the appointment just to be on the better side of caution. Not to doubt my aunt, as my daughter seems happier having her space and semi routine. But to feel a little better. SO I have to get an EKG done before we meet with him, so I'll be trying to get that done the last 2 weeks of march I think just so It will be a recent test.

So what a relief, my doc got us a sooner appointment

Oh I'm so lonely... Oh so lonely.

OK so this is just a pitty post on my behalf. I know having a child was gonna change me, and was all up and willing for the changes. But can I just say I feel so terribly terribly lonely. All I do all day is attend to my daughter. SO to our swim classes and see my trainer twice a week. My only constant adult interaction is with my sister. I love my sister and all, but conversations get dull as we have seen each other just about every other day, and a few weeks ago was each day for a week straight. NOTHING NEW has happened in 48 hours, and if so not enough to maintain a conversation for ever.

I feel lonely that my life is on a different path than those my friends are on. Out of my close friends they are all dating in different stages of their own relationships and one is getting married this may. TO WHICH I"M SO TOTALLY LOOKING FORWARD TOO. But I think I would not feel as lonely if someone else was sharing these child rearing feeling.

not only does it hurt a bit that Chris is working 2 jobs. His second job is only 3 days a week, but it makes it feel like we never see each other. The fact he's working 2 jobs he LOVES makes me happy. And well he wants to pay of as much of that 32inch TV before the no interest 9 months are over. AND who blames him. This way the extra money could be spent of movie nights, dinners out. Hell going to the zoo.

I know come our next child, I might have a few more friends in the Baby making process in their lives, and we could share all our stories together, but right now. I feel like the injured sheep in front of the wolves with really no one to turn too.

Oh what a great day it has been.
last night Meagan and I fell asleep on the couch at 10:30. And she did not wake to be fed until 8 am. WOW been a while since we slept that long.

Went to the movies to see underworld: Evolution. I must say VERY GOOD. but I got a little paranoid. Chris had today off so he wanted to take us, first I thought, ew were just gonna get stairs bringing a baby to the movie, but I didn't feel bad there was a da with his 1 year old son as well. She did really good for her first NON Mommies and me movie. Yes the volume was a tad loud, and EXTREMELY LOUD during the gory battle scenes, but she did well. I felt kinda horrible letting her see those fight scenes so I would turn her head and cover her ears, in case it was hurting her. Plus things were moving so fast during those scenes I had a hard time focusing on it.

but I must say whata great movie, and a great continuation from the first. Never felt long or drawn out, and a few kill scenes were AWESOME.

I'm hoping Meagan sleeps just as good tonight. She slept for most of there evening. Taking about 3 naps all together totaling about 2 hours, since we got home at 4:30.

Trying the new floor heater in her room tonight. Letting it run as I'm right now in the room beside her. For a while when she was sleeping so poorly and we were camping out on couch, I didn't mind as her room was freezing. Stupid old townhouse. The freaking furnace in this house will be turning 30 years old this year. AND my mother-inlaw mentioned she might buy a new one for the townhouse this year.

The main floor FREEZING, the second floor where the kitchen and living room is tolerable, could be a tad warmer some days, and bedrooms on third floor are cold, ESPECIALLY Meagans as its a North facing window and all she gets is the cold wind blowing against it. The windows were done a few years ago, so we got a floor heater that heats at a 360 range. But when you got a room that about 7-8 feet wide, and this floor heater has to be 3 feet away from anything. DOES NOT HAPPEN. SO that is why I only have it on when I'm in the next room. As I'd be scared that her netting over her bed were t catch fire or something else catch fire.

lol ok I'm a big old dork for writing this post just after the last.

But I had to share.

Ok so I've got this blog attached to a Tracksy account to see who was visiting this page. WellI signed up for it at same time of the blog, and I'd occasionlly check at it after a post. And there would be no info. well just a few days ago I got a email from tracksy that I had not yet added their info to my blog page. Well gee WHO'S THE BRIGHT ONE????? S I finally just added the info a few days ago.

I go over and check it out and its interesting the info I can get, NOt only do I get your ISP address, I can get the clour depth on your computer and some people has their screen size. OOOOHHHHH
I can see when you checked me out, where you live. This is absolutly AWSOME.

Oh modern day technology. NOw if only I can figure out how to post picture I'll be sailing

So my recent update on my daughter.

Spoke with my aunt today. She actually sent me an email of what she was able to see what was going on with Meagan. She had mentioned that the episodes were just a way for her to destress herself. Meagan is very stressed out not having a place of her own. Yes I'm guilt of this as she has not gotten back to a normal sleep pattern since christmas and we've been camped out on the couch. She's finding alot of stuff seems to be crowding her and she would like some time by herself.

Now the minute I read that I thought, I try to giver her time to herself (ie exersaucer, swing) but sometimes theres nothing else she wants other than to be held.

My aunt also mentioned shes like my grandma, always wanting the windows open, even during the dead of winter.

Actually while speaking with my aunt today she mentioned how her experience was very different. She was expecting to be able to SEE what was going on with her, but in fact Meagan spoke to her, SHe was a little weirded out about this. I had mentioned that I had told Meagan to speak with my grandma and grandpa, to let them know whats going on so they could tell My aunt. I never expected for her to speak with my aunt directly.

She mentioned how I should be getting a routine for her, as she's feeling lost in everything, not knowing whatsa going on. And yes thats my fault, Again. So we started it today, bath at 9:30, breast from 10-11pm, more her napping as feeding. Had 30 minutes with chris when he came home and off to bed we went at midnight. She did cry for 5 minutes, as she was fighting her sleep. But finally fell asleep after singing for 20 minutes.

She also mentioned how I should also be letting Meagan have her space, even though ITs my first child and I could be hesitant to passing her off. But that was where I told my aunt. I have no problem people taking her, its just Its Meagan and me ALL DAY LONG. Especially now with chris working till 8pm most days, and now that he picked up this second job 2-3 nights a week he'll be working to 11 pm.

My aunt also said to me, "you know ytou could be doing this too, you know that." and I'm very aware of that, My mom just mentioned that My grandma, was able to see things, and I occasionally see things in my dreams and dont realize it until I'm in a deja view moment. I've been thinkng the past few weeks I want to get some books to help develop my psychic abilities and see where it takes me, I would love to help MEagan with that. I encourage her each day to talk with her spirit guide, and with my grandparents, as I know their always around, especially now with Meagan around.

I know some people dont believe in psychic abillities, but I'm so happy that theres nothing wrong with my daughters health, just a little stressed by how her life has been these past few weeks

So it has happened yet again.

Meagan awakes at 4 am, stirs for a sec then goes into a fit of sheer terror screams AGAIN. Pick her up to console her and she is heavy like a dead body. I don't think I can take much more of feeling my daughters almost dead body. (I've had experiences of what cats and dog feel like just after passing, the weight of their muscles dragging as if there is no control of them)

I race upstairs and wake Chris up, getting dress for the hospital. THANK GOD we live 3 minutes away. Five if we get the red lights. Get her temp checked and heart rate is marked down, as well as how many breaths per minute she's taking. Temp ok (36.5 rectically) yet she's clammy. She's smiling at the nurse, and I mentioned of some red spotting around her mouth, come to think of it I had never seen those spots before, wait a minute I have. LAST TIME when she lost consciences. Wait around for 15 minutes until we get called into a room. By this time we've been at the hospital for 40 minutes now. Wait and wait, for 35 minutes until young doc comes along.

HE wants me to tell him what made me come to the ER. Well she woke screaming and felt like dead weight "well what do you mean dead weight??" with that puzzled look on his face. LIKE A DEAD BODY YOU IDIOT, NO CONTROL OF HER MUSCLE TONE. He would barely hear me out about how this happened 2 weeks ago. He checks her heart rate and says. "nothing we can do mame. You can go home!" while looking at me like I'm one of THOSE paranoid mothers that rush to ER for the little's of things.

that's it, my daughter has a second episode of something in 2 weeks and I get brushed off like that. I ask for the discharge papers and he says "no you don't need those, just follow up with your family doc in the morning" MOTHER FUCKER. My daughter could have something terribly wrong with her heart, nervous system, lungs WHO knows, and this is what I get. DUMB FUCK.

SO I get back to the doc in the afternoon. Find out that the pediatric cardiologist is booking into JULY, well the Nurse at my docs office says "how ridiculous is that this is a 4 1/2 month old child that has had 2 episodes in 2 weeks, You have got to be kidding me to wait 6 months" SO the receptionist on the other hand asked for the referral again, since they have seemed to have missed placed the original. And that if my doc is so Concerned that he should call and speak with the specialist himself.

SO my doc is planning on calling this guy on wed, and he has already warned me that this Doctor does not have the greatest Bedside manners. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT. But he's the best in the region apparently. Like I told my nurse, I'll go anywhere to get my daughter checked out, if a doc up in Barrie or hell even Sudbury has something next week. I'll go, I don't care what it takes she NEEDS to be looked after.

Oh how I love thee Let me count the ways.

I'm so absolutly in LOVE with my Daughter. I know I know I SHOULD BE, But I'm amazed that Chris and I CREATED HER. ANd God has put her in our trusting hands to bring her up RIGHT.

If you've ever met Chris or me, you'd know thats gonna be a challenge, our brains are far too deep in that gutter to get it clean enought for her.

So this week was a little off. Went to a "intro to solids" workshop that basically SUCKED ASS. I know most basics, but she really didnt tell me much more than what I know. DAMB knowing so much.

Then we went to our swim class and the freaking pool was cold. My Daughter had purple limbs in 15 minutes. I still have not gotten around to emailing the pool supervisor to confirm that the temperature will be up for this week, as I've had little time away from the little one

My new TV is lived by a ghost I think.

This evening I was Feeding Meagan when Chris finally came home from work. (11pm) So he's upstairs getting the diaper pail so I can do a wash of her diapers and all of a sudden. Meagan brings her legs in towards her body and the TV GOES OFF. WTF. The remote was 1 1/2 feet away on the opposite end of the couch facing up and no animal was near it.

Brand new TV so its no faulty wiring, I hope. I guess whatever did it did not wnt us to finish watching Simpsons.

I know for a fact we have no ghosts in this house, and its not like it was a power outage as everything would have gone off. WEIRD

Oh what a week we've had. This has been one of our most busiest weeks ever, and it hasn't slowen down yet.

Monday, went to movies with Meagan and my sister to see Memoirs of a Geisha. What a beautiful film.
Tuesday, Started our swim class with Meagan. Boy did she enjoy it.[IMG]http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a192/sweetde/100_0454.jpg[/IMG]
Wednesday, went to movies with Meagan and Sister again to see Fun with Dick and Jane. Good movie, nothing spectacular, but good none the less.
Thursday, nothing new but did got to chiropractors, and Doctor. Got 4 month needles and a referral is being done for an ultrasound of her heart. Docs not sure, he's only heard of what happened once and was due to esphagus spasm. Yeah no don't think that's what happened. Little cranky during night but its expected, 2 needles and Teething. Poor thing.
Friday we went to the Toronto Rock lacrosse Game. Thought it would be a bit loud for her, but she enjoyed it. WE had a hat and ear plugs ready for her. My sister Finally got to introduce her to all her work friends so she can now shut up about her ;-)
Now Saturday we have a friends 30th bday party to go to.
On Sunday going to nana's
and on Monday going to granddad's.
then back to swimming we go on Tuesday.

I'm blessed to have a great daughter, even my doc saids were lucky we lucked out with such a great first child. Yes times have been trying sometimes. But when I get super frustraited I do not take it to heart.

I remember one time when I was working on 4 hours sleep in 2 days, and all I wanted to do was sleep, and she would cry, calm herself with her pacifier and fall asleep. but when she got relaxed that the pacifier would fall out, all hell would break loose. But in the back of my head, I just remembered "if you ever need to take a break to gain some sanity, child will not die if you step away when their crying. TO re-compose yourself" I remember doing that one or two times, just for fear of myself and the guilt. How could I be so angry and pissed off at such a beautiful creature. Its not her fault I don't know what to do. And after a minute or two I would feel better and could tackle the crying again some more, and maybe hity the nail on the ball and found out what was wrong.

that's where I find working with autistic children comes so handy. I would constantly have to evaluate the situation. ESPECIALLY if behaviors occur. Its not the child fault, what am I doing wrong that displeases the child.

Children are a blessing, just remeber that.

So some of my HITCHED GALS, know of this already. But as time has gone by I've reflected a little more on this.

A LITTLE HISTORY

this past Friday night was no different than any other night around here. Meagan was up for most of the night like she usually is and fell asleep around 3:30 among her pillows on the couch. Of course I was no where near Tired. SO I Think I was even here doing up a new post getting my body and mind wound down. Well at 5:30 my body was tired. I knew I would be kicking myself as Meagan usually woke around 7 am for a feeding. SO I joined her on the couch so I Would be near. 6:30 she wakes up SCREAMING. Now this was odd as she usually stirs a bit and I will wake up while she stirs to avoid the crying. So I try to get her calm as a screaming baby is hard to latch onto the breast. She seams a little cold but she did kick her blanket off of her. She calms down in 5 minutes And I lat latch her on. All is good for 10 seconds. She then goes limp on me. NOT ASLEEP LIMP.

I pick her up, get the thermometer and run upstairs to Chris. I had him try to warm her up and keep her awake as all she wants to do is sleep. I call the ambulance and check her temp 35.1 she's usually 36.9. I'm freaking out. dont know HOW I got all the information to them, as I sounded like a frantic lunatic. 15 minutes later they arrive. By this time her legs are warming up a bit but Shes still fighting me to sleep. My fear was she was falling asleep and then would DIE on Me. I COULD NOT HAVE THAT HAPPEN.

The paramedic check her out. Her heart sounds fine. And by now she smiling at the paramedic. They kinda give her a clean bill of health. But suggest if I have any more concerns through out the day either call them back, or since were so close to the hospital head on over. SO here I am 1 hour sleep thinking I'm not going back to sleep I have to watch HER sleep. So Chris watched over both of us so I can get a few more hours of sleep before I had planned on bringing her to my mothers for the afternoon.

It was there that My mom suggested that maybe she had a bout of low blood pressure as I've had.

So now shes happy and content but her skin still did not feel the warmest for a few days. Usually she would be warm to the touch shes just kinda cool now. I've checked her temp and shes back up but still does not feel warm.

Back to TODAY

So now I'm worried about everything. I did call the doc, and he basically said it can wait till Thursday when we have our checkup. But I could not lose her. I was watching an Miami Inked marathon on TLC yesterday. AND a father was going in to get a tattoo in memory of his daughter who only lived for 2 hours. CRIED. Watched music videos CRIED. I'm so super sensitive at the thought of losing my daughter. EVEN maury povish and "are you my babies daddy" got me crying when a guy was hoping and praying that he was the father.

I know I'm an emotional wreck. I cry at EVERYTHING. but I always thought I would be able to keep my shit together for when things were to happen to our children. SO that they would not be scared and worried if I'm scared and crying.

How will I gain the strendth to not show fear for my children? Or is it bad of me to do this, is it better to show my emotions so they realize how much I deeply care for them and would do anything in the world for them

so can anyone explain to me why children clothing sizes are JUST as screwed up as woman sizes? why can they not all make a universal size coding so you don't fuck people up.
don't even get me started on why pj's from the same brand and size could have different lengths????

Some of Meagan's clothes are marked on 0-3 months, 3-6 months and so forth. Then some are marked 3 months or 6 months. Now I have some athat state 3 months are obvious 0-3 months, yet some are 3-6 month lengths. Then the good old ones from Sears that go by pounds. I've got pj's that say 16 lbs. Now is this up to 16 lbs? I assume so, but one can never tell.

Then some of the H & M sweater is 4-6 months.

don't even get me started on outfits that say 3-6 months. That I put on my 3 month old and it looks like she's wearing flood overalls. Yes she's growing in length a little faster (so the doc said at 3 month checkup at 23 1/2 inches) but come on, got one wear out of it, and thrown into the box for the next child.

I just don't get it. I now have a box of clothes beside the dresser that is of all larger sizes. I've got to go out and buy some boxes and sort threw them. as The drawers are all full right now with her 3-6 month clothes.

Oh the pain.

SO yesterday was sheer terror. !st day after leg workout. It literally took me 10 minutes to get down the stairs. By the time I say my trainier again today I was able to get it down to 2 minutes. Try walking down the stairs with a 12 pound baby in tow looking at you grimince with each stepand taking what to her seems like BLOODY FOREVER.

So I told him to take it easy reminding him of what pain I was in. Good pain though, but That I have 13 steps to go up and down to do a diaper change for my daughter.
SO he was kind doing upper body today but still had to do freaking STEPS. AHHHHHHHH

But it will all be worth while. But why did I have to tell him aobut the chinese food takeout from Wed night? oh wait. ITS CUZ HE"S HOT. CANT LIE. SO he stepped up my cardio because of it. BASTARD. AH but hes hot.

I'm gonna have to see if I can get a picture of him. SO I can pin him up to remind me why I go thru this. Oh wait I'm doing this so I can be a health mom for my daughter. ANd to get back into those size 16 suade pants :-)

oh the pain.
I had seen my new trainer today and boy did he work me good. i had him 3 years ago and with a car accedent, 2 back injuries and a baby, I've gained all the weight back.

though he did compliment how I still lookoed good, even for the weight back on. I'm confident that he will help me reach my goal of 75 lost by september.

I personally was surprised how IN shape I was, I was certain I would be horrible, even warned him that it had been 2 years since my last work out.

So TOmarrow may be a different story after my body has had time to rest. But ah I look forward to the next 15 weeks :-)