So some of my HITCHED GALS, know of this already. But as time has gone by I've reflected a little more on this.

A LITTLE HISTORY

this past Friday night was no different than any other night around here. Meagan was up for most of the night like she usually is and fell asleep around 3:30 among her pillows on the couch. Of course I was no where near Tired. SO I Think I was even here doing up a new post getting my body and mind wound down. Well at 5:30 my body was tired. I knew I would be kicking myself as Meagan usually woke around 7 am for a feeding. SO I joined her on the couch so I Would be near. 6:30 she wakes up SCREAMING. Now this was odd as she usually stirs a bit and I will wake up while she stirs to avoid the crying. So I try to get her calm as a screaming baby is hard to latch onto the breast. She seams a little cold but she did kick her blanket off of her. She calms down in 5 minutes And I lat latch her on. All is good for 10 seconds. She then goes limp on me. NOT ASLEEP LIMP.

I pick her up, get the thermometer and run upstairs to Chris. I had him try to warm her up and keep her awake as all she wants to do is sleep. I call the ambulance and check her temp 35.1 she's usually 36.9. I'm freaking out. dont know HOW I got all the information to them, as I sounded like a frantic lunatic. 15 minutes later they arrive. By this time her legs are warming up a bit but Shes still fighting me to sleep. My fear was she was falling asleep and then would DIE on Me. I COULD NOT HAVE THAT HAPPEN.

The paramedic check her out. Her heart sounds fine. And by now she smiling at the paramedic. They kinda give her a clean bill of health. But suggest if I have any more concerns through out the day either call them back, or since were so close to the hospital head on over. SO here I am 1 hour sleep thinking I'm not going back to sleep I have to watch HER sleep. So Chris watched over both of us so I can get a few more hours of sleep before I had planned on bringing her to my mothers for the afternoon.

It was there that My mom suggested that maybe she had a bout of low blood pressure as I've had.

So now shes happy and content but her skin still did not feel the warmest for a few days. Usually she would be warm to the touch shes just kinda cool now. I've checked her temp and shes back up but still does not feel warm.

Back to TODAY

So now I'm worried about everything. I did call the doc, and he basically said it can wait till Thursday when we have our checkup. But I could not lose her. I was watching an Miami Inked marathon on TLC yesterday. AND a father was going in to get a tattoo in memory of his daughter who only lived for 2 hours. CRIED. Watched music videos CRIED. I'm so super sensitive at the thought of losing my daughter. EVEN maury povish and "are you my babies daddy" got me crying when a guy was hoping and praying that he was the father.

I know I'm an emotional wreck. I cry at EVERYTHING. but I always thought I would be able to keep my shit together for when things were to happen to our children. SO that they would not be scared and worried if I'm scared and crying.

How will I gain the strendth to not show fear for my children? Or is it bad of me to do this, is it better to show my emotions so they realize how much I deeply care for them and would do anything in the world for them