ok well I've cooled off a bit since last week. Still fuming over the fact I need to pay this money on monday, but what can you do. My mom and I have a running Joke. It seams to us that each time a little money comes our way, we get screwed. Call it will of God, or sheer dumb luck. Instead of lowing credit card Debt. GOing out for a nice dinner (to which sometimes only happens every few months in the past) SOme shit happens.

We joke the minute we get a lot of money. Like winning the lottery or hell geting Chris's late UNcles portion of his life insurance(good chunck of change apparently) no shit like this is gonna happen because by then whats the point, we have enought to share a little dent will not deviate from our plan.

So I'm here sitting in my messy computer room. (to which I had planned cleaning out and orginize it oh back on January) and found some cards Chris wrote to me before Meagan was born. they are the most wonderful things ever. AND I always keep them close so for times like this week, I can look at them and remember one thing I love about him, and just keep listing them off. So any anger or resentment I might of had is gone out the window. I broke down (yet again) this week. I knew having a child would be hard, and things were great until his shifts at work switched. I hate him working till 8pm. I hate it. AND until they hire a new person to replace him once He moves departments, he's stuck at it. Then he got his part time job at nights and has been training 3 times a week at nights there. THis past week was 4. THankfully this week hes only there twice.

Being alone ALL the time, is hard on the brain. I give all my support to the stay at home moms. No adult interaction Is driving me crazy. Yes we go swiming with OTHER moms, and mother goose nursery Rhymes with OTHER mothers. But all anyone talks about is their children, and feeding this and baby that. DRIVES ME NUTS. ANd I find myself in the same cycle. I see my friends and all I can seem to talk about is Meagan. ANd if its not about her, I have not much to say. because I dont get out. Hell I dont even have time to read the newspaper when I get it each week. I'm usually 2 weeks behind in the news.

I do not want to become one of these moms who can brag about their child. I'm already falling into the compition world of "oh well SHE DID this then" and feeling a be behind as a little boy 5 days younger than her is rolling up a storm on his crib and holding onto his feet all the time. AND he's been doing that for 3 weeks now.

I've started back reading but not the regular books, I've picked up a newer book of Sylvia Browne. and have made a list of other books I would like of hers. But I'm definitly not going to sit down and have a conversation of How she has seen how the Pyramids were build and other stuff like that.

Well I beter go, before I start to brag about Meagan. I'm sure theres better things I should be doing, like dishes or sleeping, or watching a movie that started 30 minutes ago.

Have a great day everyone

GOD DAMB MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

So let me tell you the SHIT i've had to deal with since Wednesday. On wednesday I recieved a a notice from collections. In the form of monies owing to True Body Fitness.
I called collections to see whats going on, mentioned to my knowledge this accout was done and closed 15 months ago.

Heres a little History.......

Back in November 2003, after my car accedent my doctor said was ok to get back in the gym, and my insurance company was willing to pay for 1 year. SO I signed up with Planet workout, that eventually changed names under new managment to True Body Fitness. THe place was ok for the $25 a month payments. THen they cut space first the y lost the cardio room and turn the old arobic room to cardio. THe "woman's area" was a 9x13 foot room with at one time around 10 machines, then one day 3 machines were no longer in the womans area.
They had a sauna, which they used the wrong type of wood for the bench so it smelt like mould all the time and their was a slimy film on the bench. ANd well the "hot tub" was never hot the highest I ever saw it at was 85.

SO in september 2004 just a few months before the manditory 1 year minimum membership was over, I signed up to International Family Fitness. More expensive, But I had been a member before and the insurance company was not willing to pay $40 a month.

SO on October 22nd, I brought in a letter stating How I wish to cancel my memb4rship on the 1 year aniversary, as I was dissatisfied with the facilities, and their were rumors that the actual place was going bankrupt. (to which a few months later they closed doors)

SO to me all was done and over with, until wednesday. Well aparently 15 months later they send my file to collections on monday, I recieve it wednesday and for it not to affect my credit rating I needed to pay $434.26 by today.

SO I called collections on Wednesday trying to explain this, she mentioned that I should try to contact the head office. Since the DUMB FUCK SECRETARY, ATE MY CANCELATION LETTER. Leave message wed at 11:30. Leave the house for 4 hours, thinking I missed her call, well nope so I call back at 4:15, hoping to get this woman before the end of her day. Mention that I'm in and out of the house on Thursday, but gave her my cell number.

But noon on thursday, nothing so I called back, spoke with reception if there was an "actual person" in the building I could spoeack with as I need this cleared by Friday.
She sends my call to same woman at extention 239. ok fine, I'm sure she'll get back to me. By 3pm nothing, call back let secretary understand the Urgancy of this call, and woman at 239 was out but the minute she walked in she would pass my name and number personally to her.

NO call. When I get home theres a message from some lady that was left at 3:05pm. To call her back. Now here I thought it was woman at extention 239. So left a message at 7pm, stating sorry for missing your call, but I was expecting you to call my cell, I'll call you back in the morning.

SO I call her back just befor I go to my dentist appointment. ITS NOT woman at extension 239, its the collections lady. She mentioned that the company wanted nothing to do with me, and they wanted her to go ahed and process the account. I'M FUMING. Trying to talk with this woman what my options were. Could I take them to small claims court? No because the copy of my letter could not be proof as I could have drafted it yesterday. The other membership, means nothing as some people have 2 memberships at differnt gyms to meet their workout needs.

THen I asked then how, when I was a memeber there were 2 months when my credit card was maxed and the monthly payment did not go thru, so I would get a letter in the mail and g and pay it off. WHY THE FUCK IN THE LAST 15 MONTHS DID I NOT RECIEVE ANOTHER FUCKING LETTER????? She could not answer that, and I will never get a responce to that as THEY WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! FUCKERS!

SO now my bonus I'm expecting from work next week that was going to cover my licence renewal and plate stickers. and taking my dog to the vet for shots and her eye looked at, as its been red and itching her for 2 months now and shes got some discharge now.

But no, my dog has to wait till bum fuck WHO KNOWS, to get to the vet. As I now have to pay this. She mentioned she hated getting gym membership clients like this, because usally its the gyms fuckup and hates doing this, apparentlyPrimier Fitness is the worst at this.


SO after I called back woman at extention 239, left her a nasty message. along the lines of its completly UNPROFESSIONAL NOT TO CALL SOMEONE BACK after I've been trying to contact you for 2 days. and to go and make a call back to the collection agency that YOU WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I would also like to let you know I'll be reporting all of this to the better Business Beaureau and have a MERRY FUCKING DAY

ok so I might be a little out of the loop, or maybe many people believe in my same views. I was watching my tape of Dr. Phil from yesterday with the BRIDZILLA'S. The one girl started crying as Mommy had to have her way.

My thought is this. IF YOUR PARENTS ARE PAYING FOR ALL OR A GOOD CHUNK, they have the right to say yes or no on a few things. ITS THEIR FLIPPIN MONEY. This girl was whining and crying as her mom wanted this and that. Yes some of the things mom wanted were not important. but THe daughter trippled the guest list.

WHen Chris and I got married, we aproached all our parents and asked how much they could contribute. WE planned to pay for most but wanted to see what our parents were willing to help us with. If they all said no nothing, that would have been fine.

My parents offered to pay for the reception. When they said that I was looking at a wedding of 75 at NO MORE THAN $100 a preson. IN the end found the most beautifulest place (Atlantis Pavillion @ ONtario PLace) but before signing and making deposit, my parents knew that it was a tad more expencive. THen as time went on, my father was adding more and more people to the list. Each time I had to make sure HE KNEW that moe people invited could mean more people ATTENDING. THerefore its HIS MONEY.

BUT if we were paying for the whole wedding our self I would not have invited more people I do not know to the wedding. I'm not feeding someone who is an aunts husbands brothers and wifes child??? I'd be paying for close friends and family.

Then I look back and think WAS I A BRIDZILLA?????? and hopefully most of my friends and family would disagree with that. My only thing was I did not deligate many things for others to do, but that was because I knew where to got to get cheep candles, and champange flutes. ANd when wrapping our take home gift, I would have much rather been pissed off at myself when the wraper was too short to go around than to be bitching at friends for not doing it right. PLUS it too a very long time to get those done. Hell I was still wrapping them 5 minutes before we had to deliver tehm to the hall

So heres more rambling and have no idea what my point is? But just enjoy the day, and DONT TURN INTO BITCHES.

Oh how exhausted I am.

Its been super crazy with Meagan the last few days even with a few meltdowns. I must say, when I have my meltdowns, makes me fall in love with Chris even more.

Since oh Thursday, Meagan has been eating Every hour, and only taking an ounce or two at a time. DRIVING ME CRAZY. It's literally been eat, play, eat, sleep, eat, play, eat, sleep, eat, play, and so on and so on.

Bed time has been getting later and later each passing night, first 11pm, then 1115, then 12, then 12:30.

So Saturday, was fighting it out. Not only are we STILL eating ever hour, I need for my sanity to get her sleeping again. Took 2 hours. lay her down, let her cry it out 5 minutes, go giver her kiss, and remind her I lover her. Wait 10 minutes, then 15 and so on. She finally put herself to sleep after crying 30 minutes at 2 am. I would check if she was hungry and refuse me and bottle each time.

I felt hopeless and lonely and going stir crazy just trying to get my ass to the gym to work out. Couldn't. Not once since Friday did I make it, and that drove me crazier as, I know and weight loss is going out the window since I can not make it to exercise.

SO Saturday at church we realized Meagan's gums were getting really soft, so ok now an explanation she's really teething away.

I think my meltdowns were a combination of no sleep, little resentment that Chris is working and me left ALL ALONE to take care with her, especially when she stresses me out. I'm more stressed as I'm finding it a hard time keeping up my milk supply right now, and I thought that was the initially eating every hour, as I can only really pump out 1 1/2 ounces after 3 hours of her not touching me. When 2 months ago, going 3 hours I could pump 5 ounces. I hate giving her a bottle of formula.

I feel so crappy, we first was using the formula, as She was going throught her third month growth spurt and and I could not keep up in milk. ANd then as I was starting back to the gym and she would be with the babysitters there, it was a lot easier to give them a bottle of sterile water and a bottle of powder, for them to mix than to have breastmilk at room temperature and not sure if she was going to take it. Because I'm not wasting liquid gold breastmilk.

Even today when Chris came home for lunch at 2:30 I was just sitting down to have lunch, as it was in the eat, play routine of Meagan's day. I'm all out of wack.

But to hear her giggle, changes my mood all around. Man I'm not looking forward to seeing my trainer tonight

SO we got a date.

GOt a call from the Nurse at my doctors office today and Meagan will be meating Dr JAck ass in 2 months APRIL 5th. I'm keeping the appointment just to be on the better side of caution. Not to doubt my aunt, as my daughter seems happier having her space and semi routine. But to feel a little better. SO I have to get an EKG done before we meet with him, so I'll be trying to get that done the last 2 weeks of march I think just so It will be a recent test.

So what a relief, my doc got us a sooner appointment

Oh I'm so lonely... Oh so lonely.

OK so this is just a pitty post on my behalf. I know having a child was gonna change me, and was all up and willing for the changes. But can I just say I feel so terribly terribly lonely. All I do all day is attend to my daughter. SO to our swim classes and see my trainer twice a week. My only constant adult interaction is with my sister. I love my sister and all, but conversations get dull as we have seen each other just about every other day, and a few weeks ago was each day for a week straight. NOTHING NEW has happened in 48 hours, and if so not enough to maintain a conversation for ever.

I feel lonely that my life is on a different path than those my friends are on. Out of my close friends they are all dating in different stages of their own relationships and one is getting married this may. TO WHICH I"M SO TOTALLY LOOKING FORWARD TOO. But I think I would not feel as lonely if someone else was sharing these child rearing feeling.

not only does it hurt a bit that Chris is working 2 jobs. His second job is only 3 days a week, but it makes it feel like we never see each other. The fact he's working 2 jobs he LOVES makes me happy. And well he wants to pay of as much of that 32inch TV before the no interest 9 months are over. AND who blames him. This way the extra money could be spent of movie nights, dinners out. Hell going to the zoo.

I know come our next child, I might have a few more friends in the Baby making process in their lives, and we could share all our stories together, but right now. I feel like the injured sheep in front of the wolves with really no one to turn too.