I'm losing it

I'm so freaking happy.

I had my fitness evaluation this past monday. Wanted to see how the last 4 months with my trainer has improved me. AS I know my jeans no longer fit. And I'm having to wash them each day just about to keep them tight on my ass.

So far I've lost 8 inches in total.
1 in chest
2 in waist
2 in hips
2 in thighs
1 in bicep relaxed.
I've also gained 1/2 inch in bicep flexed.

I've also losed 6% body fat and gained 3 lbs in water weight. Which they wanted me to


I'm so proud of myself. I know the results could be much better if I actually made it to the gym an other 4 times other than my training sessions. and if I stuck to the eating regimin as they want. But I'm happy so far.

My weight was a different story. THey first weighed me pre xmas, when I gained close to 15 pounds. and weighed me day after 3 easter dinners and pre period bloating.

By their caculations I was up 5 pounds, But I know for a fact its close to 15 pounds lose with my trainer.

So yippy for me. I'm so excited.
I'm this much closer to my goal. once I get there. This will be what I'm getting done. What I want is a Jessica Rabbit tatoo. TO represent the sexy redhead I am. AND I finally found a picture online of what I want. with the quote "I'm not Bad...... Just drawn that way" written above and below Jessica.

Just cant quite decide on the pic. WOuld love the first one. But whatever looks best on my arm.

OH gotta love Easter with the inlaws.

First my first rant for yesterday is towards my husband.

I know its not his fault for being a heavy sleeper. But if Meagan and I can play all over him for 10 minutes and not have hime move an inch. YEAH hes a heavy sleeper. So the plan was to go to 9am mass as he was working at the movie theater from 11-5. (thats an other rant. Only man with wife and child and HE has to work easter sunday where the other teenages will not take his shift)

So chris knew we were to leave at 8:20 to be at church for 8:30 get in when 7:30 mass gets out to get good seats up front. Well the bastard never woke up. I did not wake him as I had meagan all cranky and still not herself from thursday.

So off I go to HIS grandmothers Easter dinner that starts at 3pm. YES DINNER AT 3!!!!! All alone and with his sister. His father and uncle are there. Not sure in what state of drunkeness Grandma will be in.

So we sit and heres the first thing His father did not like comming out of my mouth. He mentioned his ex-girlfriends , son's ex-girlfriend (who is the mother of his child) was taking their child easter egg hunting. ANd oh how great it will be for Meagan to go next year.
ME: NOPE, not doing that.

The shock and horror on his face "well, well why?"

(please to those who do not see it my way not meaning to flame you, this is just my beliefs)
Me: Nope easter is about going to chuch, celebrating the death of christ. And spending it with family. No easter egg hunts, no gifts, just the occasional chocholate

well HE was S NOT IMPRESSED.

then as tim passes he asked if she was crawling yet, as said above ex-girlfriends son's daughter was crawling at 7 months. Bullshit i say.

ME: nope, not yet. and dont think she will as she will walk assited now and stll does not like tummy time.

SO as conversation goes. Grandma mentions how she was a sport widow during the summer months. That grandpa used to play baseball, coach baseball, play tennis, lawn bowling and she never saw him. Then chris's dad says "well I'm no different I used to play 3 basebal leagues. Tounements all the time but stil did go by kids (in his dreams)" So It took all of me not to say 'well and thats why your daughter hates you and your son would rather look thru foggy googles than to trully hate his father.'

This was after I mentioned that chris is quiting his part tim job at the movie theater,His dad "well why would he do that, thougth he liked the job and money?"
Me: "he works 4 shifts there now as is and going to be playing 1 night a week at baseball. He wants to put his family before job and its his decission


Then towards 4:45 I mentioned to grandma we will be leaving at 5:30 as i want to spend the evening with Chris.

Meagan fell asleep at 5:15 just as tea was ready. so I lay her down on the love seat thats 2 feet wide. not a problem as she barely moves during her sleep except to shake her head no. I go to get a cup of tea. so grandma goes "A(father in law) come sit with us, dont be an outcast."
As he looks natly at me he says "well A(sister in law) knows WHY i'm not comming to sit down." she then says "why? because of meagan?" then I get evil look god knows now.

He did not trust my judgement that I know my 7 month old NOT TO MOVE WHILE SHE SLEEPS. and he sat on another seat at the foot of the loveseat for 30 minutes as she slept.

So I'm a horrible mother in his eyes, because its been since christmas he's seen her and NOT ONCE CALLED TO ARRANGE A VISIT.

this just makes me hate him even more.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update on Meagan

****Can I make alittle disclaimer: I have NO IDEA where my ramblingings were going in my last Blog. Just looked back and I trailed off at the end. MAybe I was tired, maybe I was insane, whatever I have a baby. THATS MY EXCUSE :-0****

SO we met Dr Jackass last week. AND he was not a jackass.

Her ECG was abnormal and he heard a heart murmer. So off we go to verify these are in tehir normal ranges.

Fast fowrward to today......................................................

SO today was one of the big days. WARNING LONG

Off to the hospital we go. SO I got NO SLEEP. Tummy not feeling well from last night (think it was the mozzarella sticks and chips and dip I had for dinner ECSTATIC )

SO meagan woke at 2:45. Ate and we were back asleep at 3:30 am. SO I got all of 3 hours sleep.

All was going well. Appointment was for 12:45 (remeber this It will come up later) So fed her at 9am so she could get enought and take her time to eat.

She finishes in 10 minutes. She was starting to fall asleep, so I put her in her excersaucer. THen I needed to pee, so Off I go. TO come back to a baby asleep in her excersaucer. I know I know I should have taken a picture Doh!

SO I try everything I can to wake her. nothing working so I figure an 30 minute nap aint gonna kill her. Really do they expect a 7 month old to stay awake for a minimum 6 1/2 hours? NO!

SO I join in this nap. Alarm goes off and try to wake her NOTHING. Even lifting her eyelids and shes rolling them back, down or off to the side to not look at me.

SO she ends up sleeping for 1 hour 20 minutes. THats ok, still have pleanty of time till 1pm.

So we leave a little early so I can arrive at the hospital 15 minutes early to fill in paper work.

Get there go down the hallway. Now when we first registered. I saw on her sheet 1:30 by our name. Must be wrong RIGHT. Didnt mention anything.

SO 1pm comes along and they let this older gentleman in before us Confused Confused Confused Confused

Now meagan has not eaten in 4 hours and getting tired and hungry. My sister goes and hunts a nurse down, who was surprised of Meagans wait on food??

She comes and takes our info for paper work. I ask how long its gonna be as shes starving and need to feed her. "oh you dont feed her until after the exam"
"EXCUSE ME. NO the doc's reception note says I can feed her after the sedation."
"oh, well no the sedation may make her vomit if she eats after. We usually give water to make sure they can swallow"
"uh no, I dont give her water."
"well you cant give her formula, unless you Breastfeed. But only half a feed"

Here I'm thinking to myself Meagan will not accept a half feed. Whatever. If Meagan wants a full feed she'll get it.

SO they dont take me into the room till 1:45 (almost 5 hours since last feed and 3 1/2 hours since she woke up) Do all the blood preasure and tempurature.

So we have the option of oral or rectal dosage. If dont orally its a bitter taste and usually can only give 1/2 dose. If she is not expected to 'VOID' anytime soon we can give rectally.

So I opt for rectal as we had a poop this am, and less evasive. (sp?)
mentions how she would be feeling dizzy kinda drunkish. so its a different feeling for baby so calm her and get her to sleep the best I can with avoiding feeding at all cost. But can if nothing works in 30 minutes. usually takes 10-30 minutes.

SHe conks out in 1 minute. Not due to drugs but on her

SO there doing the tests, first technician was super niice and was doing her job great, she had most her stuf done in 35 minutes (where she said 45) and Doc was on his way. NOPE later find out this old woman ( i mean old at least 50) sits down and starts doing stuff. To which minutes ago she was asking the first tech why she was not doing this or that. To which her responce was "were not doing that"

NOw old woman takes 30 minutes and then tells me shes in TRAINING.

THen doc stolls in. Tells me pics look good so far, nothing seems to be the matter. But basically does everything over these two woman did for last hour. THen at 1 hour 38 minutes he asks "how long are her afternoon naps usally"
"30 minutes" as he jerks her a bit too fast and wakes her. NOw hes trying to get a test of her blood preasure and need to a) keep her still b) would prefer everyone to basically shut up (not exact words)

After trying to get the blood pressure for 5 minutes he gives up.

SO theres our day.

In 2 weeks were going in for 24 heart moniter test. but things are good.

My only worry was watching the first tech measure all the little "holes" blips and bloops. All that was running thru my head was I did this to my baby as I never could take my prenatal vitamins regularly. Hell If I remembered once a week was good. (i'm not a pill popper)

But so far baby good. Sleeping most evening but right now my only concern was at church she started to kinda sqeel but could not get it out. Sounded very raspy like she was weezing. of couse she was going it before mass started while all quiet and did it a few times in a row that just about the whole congrigation I could hear them turn to our direction as it sounded like she could not breath. But she was just trying to laugh.

Will keep an eye out for that tomarrow if it gets worst I'll be calling telehealth. But not sure why shes doing it as drugs given rectally so nothing would later irritate her throught.

So if your still here I wish to thank my BITCH AGAIN, as when we returned home there was a package and she mentioned she was thinking of us today. Really needed it.

Oh irritating people

SO a litle break down. THe other day apparently I never signed out of MSN messenger. SO at 10 pm when WE brought Meagan up to bed, There was a message from Chris's god mother. WOW shes talking to me. (she was pissed never invited to Meagan's baptism, but shes part of Chris's life not Meagan's )

SO she was asking when I was comming down to cambridge (like 1 hour drive on 401) Mentioned how will check with chris about next sunday. So I was mentioning How excited I was. I vacumed the stairs up to the bedroom. THey had not been vacumed for at least 7 months and covered in cat hair.

Then I mentioned how it was a baby step in the mountain of things that need to be done here. Then she goes on I should have a sign "if you make the mess, you clean it up" I said thats fine and dandy but when most of the mess is mine, Donr have time in my Day with Meagan to do it.

She was appaled. How could I be at home for a year and NOT have the time to keep my house in tip top shape?? I mentioned that my days are spent with Meagan. She only takes 30 minute naps, and I normally enjoy a nap with her. If not I take a piss, a shower or something. I barely can make food, eat it and clean the plates its on. And with chris workin 4 nights a week, dishes have not been done.

"well just leave Meaga alone, she needs to learn how to entertain herself" well yeah I do let her be, but after 10 minutes she no longer wants to be in exerscaucer, then 5 minutes later no longer wants to be in her swing. Her attention span is so short, I'm constantly entertaining her.

THen she goes off how I should basically leave her in a playpen and go about my day. UM HELL NO. I was sooo pissed off. I had a child to enrich my life, not to make my status as a woman better. I would rather interact with my daughter than have a clean houes.

So Tuesday morning I was still fuming over this. AND my Chiropractor noticed my tension. I had mentioned this and he, who makes ton of money (his wife is also a chriopractor, They both do work in this office) said "dont worry, our house is just the same, Its a completly differrent gereation. We know that interacting with childern are so much more important that the cleanliness of our house holds."

Then makes me think, I didnt turn out so bad, But then again I dont think My mother was ever like that. Back then they got 6 weeks mat leave, and I remember having a nanny when we lived in Thunder Bay.

But then again explains her son. Who is shy, quiet and reserved, more into his video games and computer games like his father. I could just see no conversations. Hell she complains that her husband lives in the basement and barely speaks with him on a daily basis.

I think if your in a marriage like that whats the point. Marriage is to enrich your life.

Someone on one of my sites asked how do you know he's the one???????

My response was you know hes the one when you cant live with him, but still cant live without him. Chris has some annoying habits and on bad days just throws me over the edge. But in the end I only could tollereate them from him, but no one else.
That you share some interests and are willing to do what he likes/ she likes, even if it does not completly float your boat.
YOu can share silence and not get wigged out (ie the car commercial)
You can let the other go out without you. (I go to clubs, he goes bowling) still having things you do that you enjoy. ANd not get super jealous if their at the club

Its taken me many years to realize these points. Before It yous to be you know he's the one because you love him. But really then you need to define What is love to you. MAny people have asked me this since we got together so young and were married young. other questions were like "how do you know he's the one, if hes the ONLY relationship you've had?" I could not bear being apart from him. Thats why.

WOW been a while

man is life getting ever so busy.

Trying to manage my time and the things Meagan has to do, thankfully were off from swimming for the next 2 weeks.

She is getting so big, now. Here she is last week for St. Patrick's DAy. All dressed in green with Daddy.

I'm still dreading going back to work soon. WHat will I do. Thankfully my sister said She'll watch her, but I could not leave her in a daycare. It would cost $1000 a month. Are you kidding me?????

Bt knowing shes with my sister is good.

My two best friends are in COsta Rica at the moment. and Wish I was with them, yesterday they took a canopy tour of the Rain Forest. How cool would THAT BE?????

My sister, the flirt

SO I just called my sister to confirm our date tomarrow to go to the movies. She had gone down town Toronto for the St. Patrick's Day Parade.

She was expected home earlier and wanted to sewe Meagan before we left. well she was not home ast 7:30 so we left.

Where is she, at a fire Hall in Toronto. This fire hall apprently was in the Parade, and well her frien9d works there.

SHe got the whole hall of ment to say hello to me. :-) She seems to know someone EVERYWHERE IN TORONTO.

My kitties caught a mouse.

So yesterday I come home from my long day of activites with Meagan.

Nothing too big, Abby our dog meets us at the top of the stairs, as we get Meagan out of her car seat. THen thats when I had the first incaling something was up.

Next thing I hear, meow, meow meow meooooow. Trying to figure out whats up. I call to Sprinkles and Tigger. Ususally if their meowing its cuz their excited to see were home and letting me know their on their way to great us. Minute passes, 2 minute passes, NO cats. BUT their still meowing.

Well I go to check it out as previously they have gotten into cabinets and cant get out. NOPE here are both my cats in the bathroom huddled over my Weight watchers scale (which has a glass part) and sprinkles has his arm under it.

NOW the strange part of all of this is USUALLY sprinkles and Tigger rarly are civil with each other. Until I look a little closer. NOPE theres a mouse under the scale. Here I'm thinking its hiding out where the cats cant get him. So I usher the cats out so I cat bag this mouse.

now the best part was after I ushered the cats out and went to put my rubber gloves on my himilayian tigger has got his paw under the door as he meows and scrates away at the air under the door. ANd if any of you know Tigger, he's too priccy for that.

SO of course the mouse was dead. Figued it mustered enough energy after sprinkles took him in there to crall under the scale to die in peace.

Back in November our neighbours in our townhouse mentioned they had a ton of mice in their house and wondered if we had any. We had mentioned not this year but about 2 1/2 years ago when we brought Sprinkles in after the wedding He did catch a mouse for the first time. He has kept perch in our kitchen stairing at the base boards for the lucky mouse to cross into our house.

SO he was estatic after catching this one. MAN I love my kitty cats. :-)

My daughter has perfect timming

So last night I was up late. Meagan spat up on Chris's work pants. So i was washing his pants as he leaves for work at 6:30 am.

So I caught myself up on Hitched and my emails. Had been so busy Had not gotten on the computer for 4 days.

So ok, thats fine. I FINALLY crall into bed at 3am. and promptly at 3:05 Am Meagan wakes and is HUngry and wants to play. Yesterday I should have known something might be up as she was eating every 2 hours. SO we feed at 3am, 5am, 7 am and 9am. Im exausted now.

Thank GOd wednesdays are our relaxing days, except I had hoped to get to church for ash wednesday service at 9:30. Yeah that was not happening.

SO our day was kind of off. Took my sister to an earlier train. OUr regular program watching (oprah @4pm and Dr. Phil @5pm) was switched on wed as we like watching Montel Williams and Sylvia Browne @4. SO it was Dr. Phil, Montel, and then oprah.

WE had dinner early. SHe was good enought for me to eat at a decent time 6pm. So she had her carrots and apple sauce. WHen we realized our there was not much to do. Took a bath together at 6:30.

Just after 7pm when we got out and changed we napped. from about 7:15- 8:30 for me, SHe slept till 9.

Watched the end of Americal Idol and then 13 going on 30. Then she fell back asleep at 11:30.

Im certain now she's going to wake any minute now. BUt had 2 cans of coke at 10pm, as I had the WORST sweet craving and tried everything in my power NOT to get coke (as its one of the things I've given up for lent) had cookies, popcicles, kool aid. BUt nothing worked. so now as its shortly passed 2am I should be getting my ass to bed, in case Meagan wakes again at 3am.

But how does she always know when I stay up late on the computer, she ALWAYS wakes within 15 minutes of me going to bed. wether it be at 2am or 5am??? SHe must have a moniter on Me. HA

Solid Food Adventure

So about 2 weeks ago we started Solids with Meagan. SHe was so interested in food and even taking my plate away from me.

So we started on the Rice cereal packages we got free in the mail (nestle) And BOY did she enjoy. So I thought I could transition into Life brand or Heinz Rice cereal as the Nestle is $3.79 a box. Nope SHe wont have that. Just today I realized the Nestle is a powder where the others liike like fish food flakes. So I'll be trying to do a half and half mix as I do not want to throw 2 full boxes in the garbage.

So also on friday I went to Zellers and got 80 cans of baby food on sale. SO we started on Apple and rasberry. well this is what she looks like after her first feeding.


Boy did she love it. SHe would grab onto the spoon and hold on forever.

Then we tried Peas. She was not too thrilled about it at first but today on her third feeding of it. Only got 3 ugly faces over it. Oh I cant wait for her to get into eating more solids. I remember my favorite picture My parents took of me was when I went to my first strawberry partch, and my face is all covered in strawberry stains. I was probably around 16 months old at the time. ANd apparently when the farmers appoached me later if I ate any, I completly denied it with the straightest face. HA

Oh the adventures to come.

ok well I've cooled off a bit since last week. Still fuming over the fact I need to pay this money on monday, but what can you do. My mom and I have a running Joke. It seams to us that each time a little money comes our way, we get screwed. Call it will of God, or sheer dumb luck. Instead of lowing credit card Debt. GOing out for a nice dinner (to which sometimes only happens every few months in the past) SOme shit happens.

We joke the minute we get a lot of money. Like winning the lottery or hell geting Chris's late UNcles portion of his life insurance(good chunck of change apparently) no shit like this is gonna happen because by then whats the point, we have enought to share a little dent will not deviate from our plan.

So I'm here sitting in my messy computer room. (to which I had planned cleaning out and orginize it oh back on January) and found some cards Chris wrote to me before Meagan was born. they are the most wonderful things ever. AND I always keep them close so for times like this week, I can look at them and remember one thing I love about him, and just keep listing them off. So any anger or resentment I might of had is gone out the window. I broke down (yet again) this week. I knew having a child would be hard, and things were great until his shifts at work switched. I hate him working till 8pm. I hate it. AND until they hire a new person to replace him once He moves departments, he's stuck at it. Then he got his part time job at nights and has been training 3 times a week at nights there. THis past week was 4. THankfully this week hes only there twice.

Being alone ALL the time, is hard on the brain. I give all my support to the stay at home moms. No adult interaction Is driving me crazy. Yes we go swiming with OTHER moms, and mother goose nursery Rhymes with OTHER mothers. But all anyone talks about is their children, and feeding this and baby that. DRIVES ME NUTS. ANd I find myself in the same cycle. I see my friends and all I can seem to talk about is Meagan. ANd if its not about her, I have not much to say. because I dont get out. Hell I dont even have time to read the newspaper when I get it each week. I'm usually 2 weeks behind in the news.

I do not want to become one of these moms who can brag about their child. I'm already falling into the compition world of "oh well SHE DID this then" and feeling a be behind as a little boy 5 days younger than her is rolling up a storm on his crib and holding onto his feet all the time. AND he's been doing that for 3 weeks now.

I've started back reading but not the regular books, I've picked up a newer book of Sylvia Browne. and have made a list of other books I would like of hers. But I'm definitly not going to sit down and have a conversation of How she has seen how the Pyramids were build and other stuff like that.

Well I beter go, before I start to brag about Meagan. I'm sure theres better things I should be doing, like dishes or sleeping, or watching a movie that started 30 minutes ago.

Have a great day everyone

GOD DAMB MOTHER FUCKERS!!!

So let me tell you the SHIT i've had to deal with since Wednesday. On wednesday I recieved a a notice from collections. In the form of monies owing to True Body Fitness.
I called collections to see whats going on, mentioned to my knowledge this accout was done and closed 15 months ago.

Heres a little History.......

Back in November 2003, after my car accedent my doctor said was ok to get back in the gym, and my insurance company was willing to pay for 1 year. SO I signed up with Planet workout, that eventually changed names under new managment to True Body Fitness. THe place was ok for the $25 a month payments. THen they cut space first the y lost the cardio room and turn the old arobic room to cardio. THe "woman's area" was a 9x13 foot room with at one time around 10 machines, then one day 3 machines were no longer in the womans area.
They had a sauna, which they used the wrong type of wood for the bench so it smelt like mould all the time and their was a slimy film on the bench. ANd well the "hot tub" was never hot the highest I ever saw it at was 85.

SO in september 2004 just a few months before the manditory 1 year minimum membership was over, I signed up to International Family Fitness. More expensive, But I had been a member before and the insurance company was not willing to pay $40 a month.

SO on October 22nd, I brought in a letter stating How I wish to cancel my memb4rship on the 1 year aniversary, as I was dissatisfied with the facilities, and their were rumors that the actual place was going bankrupt. (to which a few months later they closed doors)

SO to me all was done and over with, until wednesday. Well aparently 15 months later they send my file to collections on monday, I recieve it wednesday and for it not to affect my credit rating I needed to pay $434.26 by today.

SO I called collections on Wednesday trying to explain this, she mentioned that I should try to contact the head office. Since the DUMB FUCK SECRETARY, ATE MY CANCELATION LETTER. Leave message wed at 11:30. Leave the house for 4 hours, thinking I missed her call, well nope so I call back at 4:15, hoping to get this woman before the end of her day. Mention that I'm in and out of the house on Thursday, but gave her my cell number.

But noon on thursday, nothing so I called back, spoke with reception if there was an "actual person" in the building I could spoeack with as I need this cleared by Friday.
She sends my call to same woman at extention 239. ok fine, I'm sure she'll get back to me. By 3pm nothing, call back let secretary understand the Urgancy of this call, and woman at 239 was out but the minute she walked in she would pass my name and number personally to her.

NO call. When I get home theres a message from some lady that was left at 3:05pm. To call her back. Now here I thought it was woman at extention 239. So left a message at 7pm, stating sorry for missing your call, but I was expecting you to call my cell, I'll call you back in the morning.

SO I call her back just befor I go to my dentist appointment. ITS NOT woman at extension 239, its the collections lady. She mentioned that the company wanted nothing to do with me, and they wanted her to go ahed and process the account. I'M FUMING. Trying to talk with this woman what my options were. Could I take them to small claims court? No because the copy of my letter could not be proof as I could have drafted it yesterday. The other membership, means nothing as some people have 2 memberships at differnt gyms to meet their workout needs.

THen I asked then how, when I was a memeber there were 2 months when my credit card was maxed and the monthly payment did not go thru, so I would get a letter in the mail and g and pay it off. WHY THE FUCK IN THE LAST 15 MONTHS DID I NOT RECIEVE ANOTHER FUCKING LETTER????? She could not answer that, and I will never get a responce to that as THEY WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! FUCKERS!

SO now my bonus I'm expecting from work next week that was going to cover my licence renewal and plate stickers. and taking my dog to the vet for shots and her eye looked at, as its been red and itching her for 2 months now and shes got some discharge now.

But no, my dog has to wait till bum fuck WHO KNOWS, to get to the vet. As I now have to pay this. She mentioned she hated getting gym membership clients like this, because usally its the gyms fuckup and hates doing this, apparentlyPrimier Fitness is the worst at this.


SO after I called back woman at extention 239, left her a nasty message. along the lines of its completly UNPROFESSIONAL NOT TO CALL SOMEONE BACK after I've been trying to contact you for 2 days. and to go and make a call back to the collection agency that YOU WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I would also like to let you know I'll be reporting all of this to the better Business Beaureau and have a MERRY FUCKING DAY

ok so I might be a little out of the loop, or maybe many people believe in my same views. I was watching my tape of Dr. Phil from yesterday with the BRIDZILLA'S. The one girl started crying as Mommy had to have her way.

My thought is this. IF YOUR PARENTS ARE PAYING FOR ALL OR A GOOD CHUNK, they have the right to say yes or no on a few things. ITS THEIR FLIPPIN MONEY. This girl was whining and crying as her mom wanted this and that. Yes some of the things mom wanted were not important. but THe daughter trippled the guest list.

WHen Chris and I got married, we aproached all our parents and asked how much they could contribute. WE planned to pay for most but wanted to see what our parents were willing to help us with. If they all said no nothing, that would have been fine.

My parents offered to pay for the reception. When they said that I was looking at a wedding of 75 at NO MORE THAN $100 a preson. IN the end found the most beautifulest place (Atlantis Pavillion @ ONtario PLace) but before signing and making deposit, my parents knew that it was a tad more expencive. THen as time went on, my father was adding more and more people to the list. Each time I had to make sure HE KNEW that moe people invited could mean more people ATTENDING. THerefore its HIS MONEY.

BUT if we were paying for the whole wedding our self I would not have invited more people I do not know to the wedding. I'm not feeding someone who is an aunts husbands brothers and wifes child??? I'd be paying for close friends and family.

Then I look back and think WAS I A BRIDZILLA?????? and hopefully most of my friends and family would disagree with that. My only thing was I did not deligate many things for others to do, but that was because I knew where to got to get cheep candles, and champange flutes. ANd when wrapping our take home gift, I would have much rather been pissed off at myself when the wraper was too short to go around than to be bitching at friends for not doing it right. PLUS it too a very long time to get those done. Hell I was still wrapping them 5 minutes before we had to deliver tehm to the hall

So heres more rambling and have no idea what my point is? But just enjoy the day, and DONT TURN INTO BITCHES.

Oh how exhausted I am.

Its been super crazy with Meagan the last few days even with a few meltdowns. I must say, when I have my meltdowns, makes me fall in love with Chris even more.

Since oh Thursday, Meagan has been eating Every hour, and only taking an ounce or two at a time. DRIVING ME CRAZY. It's literally been eat, play, eat, sleep, eat, play, eat, sleep, eat, play, and so on and so on.

Bed time has been getting later and later each passing night, first 11pm, then 1115, then 12, then 12:30.

So Saturday, was fighting it out. Not only are we STILL eating ever hour, I need for my sanity to get her sleeping again. Took 2 hours. lay her down, let her cry it out 5 minutes, go giver her kiss, and remind her I lover her. Wait 10 minutes, then 15 and so on. She finally put herself to sleep after crying 30 minutes at 2 am. I would check if she was hungry and refuse me and bottle each time.

I felt hopeless and lonely and going stir crazy just trying to get my ass to the gym to work out. Couldn't. Not once since Friday did I make it, and that drove me crazier as, I know and weight loss is going out the window since I can not make it to exercise.

SO Saturday at church we realized Meagan's gums were getting really soft, so ok now an explanation she's really teething away.

I think my meltdowns were a combination of no sleep, little resentment that Chris is working and me left ALL ALONE to take care with her, especially when she stresses me out. I'm more stressed as I'm finding it a hard time keeping up my milk supply right now, and I thought that was the initially eating every hour, as I can only really pump out 1 1/2 ounces after 3 hours of her not touching me. When 2 months ago, going 3 hours I could pump 5 ounces. I hate giving her a bottle of formula.

I feel so crappy, we first was using the formula, as She was going throught her third month growth spurt and and I could not keep up in milk. ANd then as I was starting back to the gym and she would be with the babysitters there, it was a lot easier to give them a bottle of sterile water and a bottle of powder, for them to mix than to have breastmilk at room temperature and not sure if she was going to take it. Because I'm not wasting liquid gold breastmilk.

Even today when Chris came home for lunch at 2:30 I was just sitting down to have lunch, as it was in the eat, play routine of Meagan's day. I'm all out of wack.

But to hear her giggle, changes my mood all around. Man I'm not looking forward to seeing my trainer tonight

SO we got a date.

GOt a call from the Nurse at my doctors office today and Meagan will be meating Dr JAck ass in 2 months APRIL 5th. I'm keeping the appointment just to be on the better side of caution. Not to doubt my aunt, as my daughter seems happier having her space and semi routine. But to feel a little better. SO I have to get an EKG done before we meet with him, so I'll be trying to get that done the last 2 weeks of march I think just so It will be a recent test.

So what a relief, my doc got us a sooner appointment

Oh I'm so lonely... Oh so lonely.

OK so this is just a pitty post on my behalf. I know having a child was gonna change me, and was all up and willing for the changes. But can I just say I feel so terribly terribly lonely. All I do all day is attend to my daughter. SO to our swim classes and see my trainer twice a week. My only constant adult interaction is with my sister. I love my sister and all, but conversations get dull as we have seen each other just about every other day, and a few weeks ago was each day for a week straight. NOTHING NEW has happened in 48 hours, and if so not enough to maintain a conversation for ever.

I feel lonely that my life is on a different path than those my friends are on. Out of my close friends they are all dating in different stages of their own relationships and one is getting married this may. TO WHICH I"M SO TOTALLY LOOKING FORWARD TOO. But I think I would not feel as lonely if someone else was sharing these child rearing feeling.

not only does it hurt a bit that Chris is working 2 jobs. His second job is only 3 days a week, but it makes it feel like we never see each other. The fact he's working 2 jobs he LOVES makes me happy. And well he wants to pay of as much of that 32inch TV before the no interest 9 months are over. AND who blames him. This way the extra money could be spent of movie nights, dinners out. Hell going to the zoo.

I know come our next child, I might have a few more friends in the Baby making process in their lives, and we could share all our stories together, but right now. I feel like the injured sheep in front of the wolves with really no one to turn too.

Oh what a great day it has been.
last night Meagan and I fell asleep on the couch at 10:30. And she did not wake to be fed until 8 am. WOW been a while since we slept that long.

Went to the movies to see underworld: Evolution. I must say VERY GOOD. but I got a little paranoid. Chris had today off so he wanted to take us, first I thought, ew were just gonna get stairs bringing a baby to the movie, but I didn't feel bad there was a da with his 1 year old son as well. She did really good for her first NON Mommies and me movie. Yes the volume was a tad loud, and EXTREMELY LOUD during the gory battle scenes, but she did well. I felt kinda horrible letting her see those fight scenes so I would turn her head and cover her ears, in case it was hurting her. Plus things were moving so fast during those scenes I had a hard time focusing on it.

but I must say whata great movie, and a great continuation from the first. Never felt long or drawn out, and a few kill scenes were AWESOME.

I'm hoping Meagan sleeps just as good tonight. She slept for most of there evening. Taking about 3 naps all together totaling about 2 hours, since we got home at 4:30.

Trying the new floor heater in her room tonight. Letting it run as I'm right now in the room beside her. For a while when she was sleeping so poorly and we were camping out on couch, I didn't mind as her room was freezing. Stupid old townhouse. The freaking furnace in this house will be turning 30 years old this year. AND my mother-inlaw mentioned she might buy a new one for the townhouse this year.

The main floor FREEZING, the second floor where the kitchen and living room is tolerable, could be a tad warmer some days, and bedrooms on third floor are cold, ESPECIALLY Meagans as its a North facing window and all she gets is the cold wind blowing against it. The windows were done a few years ago, so we got a floor heater that heats at a 360 range. But when you got a room that about 7-8 feet wide, and this floor heater has to be 3 feet away from anything. DOES NOT HAPPEN. SO that is why I only have it on when I'm in the next room. As I'd be scared that her netting over her bed were t catch fire or something else catch fire.

lol ok I'm a big old dork for writing this post just after the last.

But I had to share.

Ok so I've got this blog attached to a Tracksy account to see who was visiting this page. WellI signed up for it at same time of the blog, and I'd occasionlly check at it after a post. And there would be no info. well just a few days ago I got a email from tracksy that I had not yet added their info to my blog page. Well gee WHO'S THE BRIGHT ONE????? S I finally just added the info a few days ago.

I go over and check it out and its interesting the info I can get, NOt only do I get your ISP address, I can get the clour depth on your computer and some people has their screen size. OOOOHHHHH
I can see when you checked me out, where you live. This is absolutly AWSOME.

Oh modern day technology. NOw if only I can figure out how to post picture I'll be sailing

So my recent update on my daughter.

Spoke with my aunt today. She actually sent me an email of what she was able to see what was going on with Meagan. She had mentioned that the episodes were just a way for her to destress herself. Meagan is very stressed out not having a place of her own. Yes I'm guilt of this as she has not gotten back to a normal sleep pattern since christmas and we've been camped out on the couch. She's finding alot of stuff seems to be crowding her and she would like some time by herself.

Now the minute I read that I thought, I try to giver her time to herself (ie exersaucer, swing) but sometimes theres nothing else she wants other than to be held.

My aunt also mentioned shes like my grandma, always wanting the windows open, even during the dead of winter.

Actually while speaking with my aunt today she mentioned how her experience was very different. She was expecting to be able to SEE what was going on with her, but in fact Meagan spoke to her, SHe was a little weirded out about this. I had mentioned that I had told Meagan to speak with my grandma and grandpa, to let them know whats going on so they could tell My aunt. I never expected for her to speak with my aunt directly.

She mentioned how I should be getting a routine for her, as she's feeling lost in everything, not knowing whatsa going on. And yes thats my fault, Again. So we started it today, bath at 9:30, breast from 10-11pm, more her napping as feeding. Had 30 minutes with chris when he came home and off to bed we went at midnight. She did cry for 5 minutes, as she was fighting her sleep. But finally fell asleep after singing for 20 minutes.

She also mentioned how I should also be letting Meagan have her space, even though ITs my first child and I could be hesitant to passing her off. But that was where I told my aunt. I have no problem people taking her, its just Its Meagan and me ALL DAY LONG. Especially now with chris working till 8pm most days, and now that he picked up this second job 2-3 nights a week he'll be working to 11 pm.

My aunt also said to me, "you know ytou could be doing this too, you know that." and I'm very aware of that, My mom just mentioned that My grandma, was able to see things, and I occasionally see things in my dreams and dont realize it until I'm in a deja view moment. I've been thinkng the past few weeks I want to get some books to help develop my psychic abilities and see where it takes me, I would love to help MEagan with that. I encourage her each day to talk with her spirit guide, and with my grandparents, as I know their always around, especially now with Meagan around.

I know some people dont believe in psychic abillities, but I'm so happy that theres nothing wrong with my daughters health, just a little stressed by how her life has been these past few weeks

So it has happened yet again.

Meagan awakes at 4 am, stirs for a sec then goes into a fit of sheer terror screams AGAIN. Pick her up to console her and she is heavy like a dead body. I don't think I can take much more of feeling my daughters almost dead body. (I've had experiences of what cats and dog feel like just after passing, the weight of their muscles dragging as if there is no control of them)

I race upstairs and wake Chris up, getting dress for the hospital. THANK GOD we live 3 minutes away. Five if we get the red lights. Get her temp checked and heart rate is marked down, as well as how many breaths per minute she's taking. Temp ok (36.5 rectically) yet she's clammy. She's smiling at the nurse, and I mentioned of some red spotting around her mouth, come to think of it I had never seen those spots before, wait a minute I have. LAST TIME when she lost consciences. Wait around for 15 minutes until we get called into a room. By this time we've been at the hospital for 40 minutes now. Wait and wait, for 35 minutes until young doc comes along.

HE wants me to tell him what made me come to the ER. Well she woke screaming and felt like dead weight "well what do you mean dead weight??" with that puzzled look on his face. LIKE A DEAD BODY YOU IDIOT, NO CONTROL OF HER MUSCLE TONE. He would barely hear me out about how this happened 2 weeks ago. He checks her heart rate and says. "nothing we can do mame. You can go home!" while looking at me like I'm one of THOSE paranoid mothers that rush to ER for the little's of things.

that's it, my daughter has a second episode of something in 2 weeks and I get brushed off like that. I ask for the discharge papers and he says "no you don't need those, just follow up with your family doc in the morning" MOTHER FUCKER. My daughter could have something terribly wrong with her heart, nervous system, lungs WHO knows, and this is what I get. DUMB FUCK.

SO I get back to the doc in the afternoon. Find out that the pediatric cardiologist is booking into JULY, well the Nurse at my docs office says "how ridiculous is that this is a 4 1/2 month old child that has had 2 episodes in 2 weeks, You have got to be kidding me to wait 6 months" SO the receptionist on the other hand asked for the referral again, since they have seemed to have missed placed the original. And that if my doc is so Concerned that he should call and speak with the specialist himself.

SO my doc is planning on calling this guy on wed, and he has already warned me that this Doctor does not have the greatest Bedside manners. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT. But he's the best in the region apparently. Like I told my nurse, I'll go anywhere to get my daughter checked out, if a doc up in Barrie or hell even Sudbury has something next week. I'll go, I don't care what it takes she NEEDS to be looked after.

Oh how I love thee Let me count the ways.

I'm so absolutly in LOVE with my Daughter. I know I know I SHOULD BE, But I'm amazed that Chris and I CREATED HER. ANd God has put her in our trusting hands to bring her up RIGHT.

If you've ever met Chris or me, you'd know thats gonna be a challenge, our brains are far too deep in that gutter to get it clean enought for her.

So this week was a little off. Went to a "intro to solids" workshop that basically SUCKED ASS. I know most basics, but she really didnt tell me much more than what I know. DAMB knowing so much.

Then we went to our swim class and the freaking pool was cold. My Daughter had purple limbs in 15 minutes. I still have not gotten around to emailing the pool supervisor to confirm that the temperature will be up for this week, as I've had little time away from the little one