Oh what a great day it has been.
last night Meagan and I fell asleep on the couch at 10:30. And she did not wake to be fed until 8 am. WOW been a while since we slept that long.

Went to the movies to see underworld: Evolution. I must say VERY GOOD. but I got a little paranoid. Chris had today off so he wanted to take us, first I thought, ew were just gonna get stairs bringing a baby to the movie, but I didn't feel bad there was a da with his 1 year old son as well. She did really good for her first NON Mommies and me movie. Yes the volume was a tad loud, and EXTREMELY LOUD during the gory battle scenes, but she did well. I felt kinda horrible letting her see those fight scenes so I would turn her head and cover her ears, in case it was hurting her. Plus things were moving so fast during those scenes I had a hard time focusing on it.

but I must say whata great movie, and a great continuation from the first. Never felt long or drawn out, and a few kill scenes were AWESOME.

I'm hoping Meagan sleeps just as good tonight. She slept for most of there evening. Taking about 3 naps all together totaling about 2 hours, since we got home at 4:30.

Trying the new floor heater in her room tonight. Letting it run as I'm right now in the room beside her. For a while when she was sleeping so poorly and we were camping out on couch, I didn't mind as her room was freezing. Stupid old townhouse. The freaking furnace in this house will be turning 30 years old this year. AND my mother-inlaw mentioned she might buy a new one for the townhouse this year.

The main floor FREEZING, the second floor where the kitchen and living room is tolerable, could be a tad warmer some days, and bedrooms on third floor are cold, ESPECIALLY Meagans as its a North facing window and all she gets is the cold wind blowing against it. The windows were done a few years ago, so we got a floor heater that heats at a 360 range. But when you got a room that about 7-8 feet wide, and this floor heater has to be 3 feet away from anything. DOES NOT HAPPEN. SO that is why I only have it on when I'm in the next room. As I'd be scared that her netting over her bed were t catch fire or something else catch fire.

lol ok I'm a big old dork for writing this post just after the last.

But I had to share.

Ok so I've got this blog attached to a Tracksy account to see who was visiting this page. WellI signed up for it at same time of the blog, and I'd occasionlly check at it after a post. And there would be no info. well just a few days ago I got a email from tracksy that I had not yet added their info to my blog page. Well gee WHO'S THE BRIGHT ONE????? S I finally just added the info a few days ago.

I go over and check it out and its interesting the info I can get, NOt only do I get your ISP address, I can get the clour depth on your computer and some people has their screen size. OOOOHHHHH
I can see when you checked me out, where you live. This is absolutly AWSOME.

Oh modern day technology. NOw if only I can figure out how to post picture I'll be sailing

So my recent update on my daughter.

Spoke with my aunt today. She actually sent me an email of what she was able to see what was going on with Meagan. She had mentioned that the episodes were just a way for her to destress herself. Meagan is very stressed out not having a place of her own. Yes I'm guilt of this as she has not gotten back to a normal sleep pattern since christmas and we've been camped out on the couch. She's finding alot of stuff seems to be crowding her and she would like some time by herself.

Now the minute I read that I thought, I try to giver her time to herself (ie exersaucer, swing) but sometimes theres nothing else she wants other than to be held.

My aunt also mentioned shes like my grandma, always wanting the windows open, even during the dead of winter.

Actually while speaking with my aunt today she mentioned how her experience was very different. She was expecting to be able to SEE what was going on with her, but in fact Meagan spoke to her, SHe was a little weirded out about this. I had mentioned that I had told Meagan to speak with my grandma and grandpa, to let them know whats going on so they could tell My aunt. I never expected for her to speak with my aunt directly.

She mentioned how I should be getting a routine for her, as she's feeling lost in everything, not knowing whatsa going on. And yes thats my fault, Again. So we started it today, bath at 9:30, breast from 10-11pm, more her napping as feeding. Had 30 minutes with chris when he came home and off to bed we went at midnight. She did cry for 5 minutes, as she was fighting her sleep. But finally fell asleep after singing for 20 minutes.

She also mentioned how I should also be letting Meagan have her space, even though ITs my first child and I could be hesitant to passing her off. But that was where I told my aunt. I have no problem people taking her, its just Its Meagan and me ALL DAY LONG. Especially now with chris working till 8pm most days, and now that he picked up this second job 2-3 nights a week he'll be working to 11 pm.

My aunt also said to me, "you know ytou could be doing this too, you know that." and I'm very aware of that, My mom just mentioned that My grandma, was able to see things, and I occasionally see things in my dreams and dont realize it until I'm in a deja view moment. I've been thinkng the past few weeks I want to get some books to help develop my psychic abilities and see where it takes me, I would love to help MEagan with that. I encourage her each day to talk with her spirit guide, and with my grandparents, as I know their always around, especially now with Meagan around.

I know some people dont believe in psychic abillities, but I'm so happy that theres nothing wrong with my daughters health, just a little stressed by how her life has been these past few weeks

So it has happened yet again.

Meagan awakes at 4 am, stirs for a sec then goes into a fit of sheer terror screams AGAIN. Pick her up to console her and she is heavy like a dead body. I don't think I can take much more of feeling my daughters almost dead body. (I've had experiences of what cats and dog feel like just after passing, the weight of their muscles dragging as if there is no control of them)

I race upstairs and wake Chris up, getting dress for the hospital. THANK GOD we live 3 minutes away. Five if we get the red lights. Get her temp checked and heart rate is marked down, as well as how many breaths per minute she's taking. Temp ok (36.5 rectically) yet she's clammy. She's smiling at the nurse, and I mentioned of some red spotting around her mouth, come to think of it I had never seen those spots before, wait a minute I have. LAST TIME when she lost consciences. Wait around for 15 minutes until we get called into a room. By this time we've been at the hospital for 40 minutes now. Wait and wait, for 35 minutes until young doc comes along.

HE wants me to tell him what made me come to the ER. Well she woke screaming and felt like dead weight "well what do you mean dead weight??" with that puzzled look on his face. LIKE A DEAD BODY YOU IDIOT, NO CONTROL OF HER MUSCLE TONE. He would barely hear me out about how this happened 2 weeks ago. He checks her heart rate and says. "nothing we can do mame. You can go home!" while looking at me like I'm one of THOSE paranoid mothers that rush to ER for the little's of things.

that's it, my daughter has a second episode of something in 2 weeks and I get brushed off like that. I ask for the discharge papers and he says "no you don't need those, just follow up with your family doc in the morning" MOTHER FUCKER. My daughter could have something terribly wrong with her heart, nervous system, lungs WHO knows, and this is what I get. DUMB FUCK.

SO I get back to the doc in the afternoon. Find out that the pediatric cardiologist is booking into JULY, well the Nurse at my docs office says "how ridiculous is that this is a 4 1/2 month old child that has had 2 episodes in 2 weeks, You have got to be kidding me to wait 6 months" SO the receptionist on the other hand asked for the referral again, since they have seemed to have missed placed the original. And that if my doc is so Concerned that he should call and speak with the specialist himself.

SO my doc is planning on calling this guy on wed, and he has already warned me that this Doctor does not have the greatest Bedside manners. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT. But he's the best in the region apparently. Like I told my nurse, I'll go anywhere to get my daughter checked out, if a doc up in Barrie or hell even Sudbury has something next week. I'll go, I don't care what it takes she NEEDS to be looked after.

Oh how I love thee Let me count the ways.

I'm so absolutly in LOVE with my Daughter. I know I know I SHOULD BE, But I'm amazed that Chris and I CREATED HER. ANd God has put her in our trusting hands to bring her up RIGHT.

If you've ever met Chris or me, you'd know thats gonna be a challenge, our brains are far too deep in that gutter to get it clean enought for her.

So this week was a little off. Went to a "intro to solids" workshop that basically SUCKED ASS. I know most basics, but she really didnt tell me much more than what I know. DAMB knowing so much.

Then we went to our swim class and the freaking pool was cold. My Daughter had purple limbs in 15 minutes. I still have not gotten around to emailing the pool supervisor to confirm that the temperature will be up for this week, as I've had little time away from the little one

My new TV is lived by a ghost I think.

This evening I was Feeding Meagan when Chris finally came home from work. (11pm) So he's upstairs getting the diaper pail so I can do a wash of her diapers and all of a sudden. Meagan brings her legs in towards her body and the TV GOES OFF. WTF. The remote was 1 1/2 feet away on the opposite end of the couch facing up and no animal was near it.

Brand new TV so its no faulty wiring, I hope. I guess whatever did it did not wnt us to finish watching Simpsons.

I know for a fact we have no ghosts in this house, and its not like it was a power outage as everything would have gone off. WEIRD

Oh what a week we've had. This has been one of our most busiest weeks ever, and it hasn't slowen down yet.

Monday, went to movies with Meagan and my sister to see Memoirs of a Geisha. What a beautiful film.
Tuesday, Started our swim class with Meagan. Boy did she enjoy it.[IMG]http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a192/sweetde/100_0454.jpg[/IMG]
Wednesday, went to movies with Meagan and Sister again to see Fun with Dick and Jane. Good movie, nothing spectacular, but good none the less.
Thursday, nothing new but did got to chiropractors, and Doctor. Got 4 month needles and a referral is being done for an ultrasound of her heart. Docs not sure, he's only heard of what happened once and was due to esphagus spasm. Yeah no don't think that's what happened. Little cranky during night but its expected, 2 needles and Teething. Poor thing.
Friday we went to the Toronto Rock lacrosse Game. Thought it would be a bit loud for her, but she enjoyed it. WE had a hat and ear plugs ready for her. My sister Finally got to introduce her to all her work friends so she can now shut up about her ;-)
Now Saturday we have a friends 30th bday party to go to.
On Sunday going to nana's
and on Monday going to granddad's.
then back to swimming we go on Tuesday.

I'm blessed to have a great daughter, even my doc saids were lucky we lucked out with such a great first child. Yes times have been trying sometimes. But when I get super frustraited I do not take it to heart.

I remember one time when I was working on 4 hours sleep in 2 days, and all I wanted to do was sleep, and she would cry, calm herself with her pacifier and fall asleep. but when she got relaxed that the pacifier would fall out, all hell would break loose. But in the back of my head, I just remembered "if you ever need to take a break to gain some sanity, child will not die if you step away when their crying. TO re-compose yourself" I remember doing that one or two times, just for fear of myself and the guilt. How could I be so angry and pissed off at such a beautiful creature. Its not her fault I don't know what to do. And after a minute or two I would feel better and could tackle the crying again some more, and maybe hity the nail on the ball and found out what was wrong.

that's where I find working with autistic children comes so handy. I would constantly have to evaluate the situation. ESPECIALLY if behaviors occur. Its not the child fault, what am I doing wrong that displeases the child.

Children are a blessing, just remeber that.

So some of my HITCHED GALS, know of this already. But as time has gone by I've reflected a little more on this.

A LITTLE HISTORY

this past Friday night was no different than any other night around here. Meagan was up for most of the night like she usually is and fell asleep around 3:30 among her pillows on the couch. Of course I was no where near Tired. SO I Think I was even here doing up a new post getting my body and mind wound down. Well at 5:30 my body was tired. I knew I would be kicking myself as Meagan usually woke around 7 am for a feeding. SO I joined her on the couch so I Would be near. 6:30 she wakes up SCREAMING. Now this was odd as she usually stirs a bit and I will wake up while she stirs to avoid the crying. So I try to get her calm as a screaming baby is hard to latch onto the breast. She seams a little cold but she did kick her blanket off of her. She calms down in 5 minutes And I lat latch her on. All is good for 10 seconds. She then goes limp on me. NOT ASLEEP LIMP.

I pick her up, get the thermometer and run upstairs to Chris. I had him try to warm her up and keep her awake as all she wants to do is sleep. I call the ambulance and check her temp 35.1 she's usually 36.9. I'm freaking out. dont know HOW I got all the information to them, as I sounded like a frantic lunatic. 15 minutes later they arrive. By this time her legs are warming up a bit but Shes still fighting me to sleep. My fear was she was falling asleep and then would DIE on Me. I COULD NOT HAVE THAT HAPPEN.

The paramedic check her out. Her heart sounds fine. And by now she smiling at the paramedic. They kinda give her a clean bill of health. But suggest if I have any more concerns through out the day either call them back, or since were so close to the hospital head on over. SO here I am 1 hour sleep thinking I'm not going back to sleep I have to watch HER sleep. So Chris watched over both of us so I can get a few more hours of sleep before I had planned on bringing her to my mothers for the afternoon.

It was there that My mom suggested that maybe she had a bout of low blood pressure as I've had.

So now shes happy and content but her skin still did not feel the warmest for a few days. Usually she would be warm to the touch shes just kinda cool now. I've checked her temp and shes back up but still does not feel warm.

Back to TODAY

So now I'm worried about everything. I did call the doc, and he basically said it can wait till Thursday when we have our checkup. But I could not lose her. I was watching an Miami Inked marathon on TLC yesterday. AND a father was going in to get a tattoo in memory of his daughter who only lived for 2 hours. CRIED. Watched music videos CRIED. I'm so super sensitive at the thought of losing my daughter. EVEN maury povish and "are you my babies daddy" got me crying when a guy was hoping and praying that he was the father.

I know I'm an emotional wreck. I cry at EVERYTHING. but I always thought I would be able to keep my shit together for when things were to happen to our children. SO that they would not be scared and worried if I'm scared and crying.

How will I gain the strendth to not show fear for my children? Or is it bad of me to do this, is it better to show my emotions so they realize how much I deeply care for them and would do anything in the world for them

so can anyone explain to me why children clothing sizes are JUST as screwed up as woman sizes? why can they not all make a universal size coding so you don't fuck people up.
don't even get me started on why pj's from the same brand and size could have different lengths????

Some of Meagan's clothes are marked on 0-3 months, 3-6 months and so forth. Then some are marked 3 months or 6 months. Now I have some athat state 3 months are obvious 0-3 months, yet some are 3-6 month lengths. Then the good old ones from Sears that go by pounds. I've got pj's that say 16 lbs. Now is this up to 16 lbs? I assume so, but one can never tell.

Then some of the H & M sweater is 4-6 months.

don't even get me started on outfits that say 3-6 months. That I put on my 3 month old and it looks like she's wearing flood overalls. Yes she's growing in length a little faster (so the doc said at 3 month checkup at 23 1/2 inches) but come on, got one wear out of it, and thrown into the box for the next child.

I just don't get it. I now have a box of clothes beside the dresser that is of all larger sizes. I've got to go out and buy some boxes and sort threw them. as The drawers are all full right now with her 3-6 month clothes.

Oh the pain.

SO yesterday was sheer terror. !st day after leg workout. It literally took me 10 minutes to get down the stairs. By the time I say my trainier again today I was able to get it down to 2 minutes. Try walking down the stairs with a 12 pound baby in tow looking at you grimince with each stepand taking what to her seems like BLOODY FOREVER.

So I told him to take it easy reminding him of what pain I was in. Good pain though, but That I have 13 steps to go up and down to do a diaper change for my daughter.
SO he was kind doing upper body today but still had to do freaking STEPS. AHHHHHHHH

But it will all be worth while. But why did I have to tell him aobut the chinese food takeout from Wed night? oh wait. ITS CUZ HE"S HOT. CANT LIE. SO he stepped up my cardio because of it. BASTARD. AH but hes hot.

I'm gonna have to see if I can get a picture of him. SO I can pin him up to remind me why I go thru this. Oh wait I'm doing this so I can be a health mom for my daughter. ANd to get back into those size 16 suade pants :-)

oh the pain.
I had seen my new trainer today and boy did he work me good. i had him 3 years ago and with a car accedent, 2 back injuries and a baby, I've gained all the weight back.

though he did compliment how I still lookoed good, even for the weight back on. I'm confident that he will help me reach my goal of 75 lost by september.

I personally was surprised how IN shape I was, I was certain I would be horrible, even warned him that it had been 2 years since my last work out.

So TOmarrow may be a different story after my body has had time to rest. But ah I look forward to the next 15 weeks :-)